03/03/10

Today was a good day.

I cleaned the kitchen.
I washed laundry.
I baked cookies.

And still, I managed to feel connected to my baby. I was able to cuddle her, and love her, and drink her in. Even when she wasn't in my arms I was able to feel present with her in a way that I usually don't when I am busy.

I felt like we were together.

Am I making any sense?

Part of the trials of being a single mom is that you don't get  much time to just be with your child. Even in the same room there can be a disconnect. Actually, I find this to be true of most mothers, but I do think that it can be even harder  for single moms because there never someone else to fold the clothes, to the wash dishes, to run to the store...Of course sometimes you get lucky and someone is willing to help, but at end of the day the responsibility is yours and yours alone.


And as much as it doesn't sound like it right now, I am okay with that. I am okay with doing it myself. Choices that I made played a roll in me getting to where I am in life and I own those choices. And I am happy about my choices.

I love my choice more than I ever thought I would.

But...

So often, I find myself putting Gemma in the excersaucer while I do the wash, or lay her in her crib while I get ready for work, and don't even get me started on leaving her at the babysitter. Beyond the physical busyness, my head is constantly swirling with thoughts and emotions and what was and what is next.  I spend as much time as I can with her, and I really try to be present, but still it doesn't feel like enough.

My heart hurts.

But today. Today was different. I got things done but in a way where I felt comfortable. I felt like we were doing it together.

I am not sure what was different, and I don't think I did the best job of explaining it here. But it was nice.

Really nice.

And I hope it was a sign of things to come...