Saturday, June 20, 2009

70 Days Until Baby

30 Weeks!

I am kind of over the whole pregnancy thing. I thought I saw a stretchmark today and I literally almost cried. I am embarrassed to admit that, I think it sort of highlights my vanity and is one more point for the "are you really sure you are mature enough to handle supporting another life, yeah right" tally that I keep in my brain. Even worse, for about 20 seconds I had an internal dialogue in my head where I pictured asking my doctor to induce labor early to avoid getting terrible stretch marks and then just as quickly was horrified that the thought would even cross my mind. Let me clarify, I would NEVER, EVER ask a doctor this, and as tired as I am of being pregnant my greatest wish in life right now is that this baby is born no sooner than when she is fully baked, and in perfect health. That's what makes it so strange to me that the thought even entered my mind!

I feel like I am at an odd point in the pregnancy...30 weeks sounds like a lot in but so does the 10 more weeks that I have until she is born. I sort of feel as if I have been pregnant forever but there is still almost forever to go.

I am torn as far as how I feel about rushing things as well. I have been fixated lately on the idea of the shortness of time, how we have to make the most out of life so I don't want to wish it all away. I also realize that the next few weeks of my life will be last in which I can be as selfish as I am now (well I guess it changed when I found out I was pregnant, but it will REALLY be different later). I want to enjoy the peace before the storm and all.

That being said I am not sure I love being pregnant. I do not mind the weight gain from a vanity standpoint (except for it's role in bringing about stretch marks) I think mostly because my face looks the same so I feel like I am the same. I am sort of self conscious of this big belly, my ringless finger, and the obvious youth and instability I am sure I project. In a sense I kind of feel like I am shouting something to the world about my character that feels very dirty and wrong. I feel uptight sometimes when strangers mention it, my belly, acknowledging that they are aware of the pregnancy, and I feel embarrassed to let one of my grandfathers see me. This also makes me feel guilty (are you noticing any trends???) because I don't feel negatively about the child I am carrying...I feel guilty for the manifestation of my "sin" in my outward body.

I also don't like having my body taken over and also trusting my body to support this baby. I worry so much. I know there will be worry (probably even more) once she is born, but the reassurance of seeing her here will make it different, at least that is what I am thinking.

I am almost afraid to admit this, for fear of jinxing it, but on a brighter note I have been feeling a lot more movement (as in the baby's movements) the past few days. Finally. I have felt her throughout the entire day for the past couple of days and it makes me feel so much more at ease. I am going to worry now when it isn't as regular, but hopefully that isn't an issue. It has been so frustrating for me as I read so much and I compare so much and as you can probably tell from much of this post I THINK WAY TOO MUCH!


Once my life is back on track (as in I have one again) hopefully I won't have as much time to over-think. Until then, I am going to practice living presently, pleasantly, in the moment and at the same time try to do what I can to make my life as good as possible once it has restarted.

Honestly though, all I really do is watch TV and sleep...Oh and I eat a lot too.

-70 Days Until Baby

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