Today was one of those days for me.
Literally and figuratively.
Gems has been having a hard time adjusting to our vacation-ish life. Long car rides, abnormal sleep schedules, and new surrounding are apparently not her thing. She's fussed and cried her way through significant chunks of time the past few days, and, as awful as this sounds, I have missed the couple of hour break each day that working part time affords me.
Again, this is going to sound awful, but I am looking at my life like how in the heck did I get here? Even scarier, there is a small part of me that is nagging how in the heck can I get out of this?
I'm not sure that I am ready for diapers, and schedules, and being held hostage for a baby to be able to eat/sleep/play in a way that is safe/sound/secure. Chasing around a child drives me wild, and goodness gracious can't I get a friggin' second to breathe?!?! Is that so much to ask for?!?!
Apparently as a single mom, it is too much to ask for.
I miss my life. I miss friends. I miss fun. I miss music. I miss boys. I miss clothes. I miss sleep. I miss jokes. I miss road trips. I miss parties. I miss school. I miss me. I miss my life.
I miss the life I should be living. Maybe, that is what I miss most of all.
Actually, I know that is what I miss most of all.
I should be living in an apartment with friends. Buying a car. Establishing a career. Going to happy hour.
This is not my life! Who am I? Whose life is this?
I took a picture today...me, my sister, and Gemma.
My hair was a mess. No makeup. Ill fitting clothes. Jeans at least 2 sizes bigger than before. My skin is a wreck. My confidence is non-existent.
I totally get the infomercials now.
That person is gross. I that person. I am gross.
And alone.
And frustrated.
And so over my new life.
And I am the only one to blame...
Hey missy... You're not alone. Reading this post made my heart ache, because definitely get it. I love being mommy, but these moments do frequent. Especially when everyone I used to be friends with is covering their facebooks with their latest vacations pictures or everything going on at college - I get jealous.
ReplyDeleteWe're going to miss those experiences, but that doesn't mean that the lives we'll lead are any less significant. After all, what's being missed by attending one less party? Being sick. Awesome, I'll gladly avoid that.
Just remember yourself as a person, not just a mother. Make sure you do for yourself some times - do something that makes you excited for YOU, you and Gemma will both be thankful for it. Because you'll be happy and less stressed and therefor even better for Gems. I've been struggling with this myself lately, when it's just you it's hard to think of yourself when so much is relying on you to be a mother and a father, but sometimes you do need to come first... as long as Gemma is being loved and cared for during that moment of refreshment.
You're doin' great mama. :)
Oh sweet blog friend, this brought tears to my eyes! I think every mom feels this at some point and in some way. Just know that I'm sending a little prayer up for you. I hope that life starts to make sense for you soon. Look at that beautiful baby girl and imagine if she wasn't here at all. Maybe that will help! :)
ReplyDelete*hug* You're so not the only mama who feels this way. One of the things I felt most guily about when my son was born was how much I missed my old life. And isn't it amazing how HARD being a mom is? I had no idea. People told me I would be tired and overwhelemed, but I had no idea what tired or overwhelmed really meant. Among the many things that have changed - vacations are no longer vacations when you're a mom. They don't tell you that in the baby books!
ReplyDeleteEvery time that I read one of your blog posts I am so very, very impressed by you. I'm almost 10 years older than you, but I really do look up to you. You are kicking ass with this motherhood thing!
Vacationing with a baby is NOT easy. Just a baby period is not easy! I spent many days feeling incredibly overwhelmed when my kids were little. I think most people feel that way only not many will admit it. :) Your blog has amazed me since the first day I came across it. Although your life took a turn you did not expect...you are handling it so amazingly well and it's easy to see what a great Mom you are. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kacie, we all have those moments. I was a widow with 2 kids 2 and under at your age. Trust me, I was very resentful at times.
ReplyDeleteThese feelings come and go. Gemma is going to grow so fast, and while it feels like you're sacrificing so much of yourself right now, the time for all of that will come.
My oldest baby starts middle school this fall. I have no idea where time has gone, but the resentful moments are fewer and futher between. Keep your chin up. I know you're still shining under the "frump" you're seeing.