64 Days Until Baby

Today I am 23!!!

So old.

-64 Days Until Baby

66 Days Until Baby

Highlights of my 30 Week Doctor's Appointment

1. Blood pressure is up, but still good.
2. I gained 6.5 pounds in 2 weeks (wtf?!?!) bringing my total weight gain somewhere around 18-23 pounds (yikes!).
3. Baby is already in a head down position.

I saw somewhere today (on a message board maybe?) that time really starts to fly around this point. I think it would make sense for this to be true. With childbirth classes every week, doctors appointments every two weeks, an upcoming baby shower, and the fury of preparation that is sure to follow I think the baby prep part of my life will be pretty full.

I also talked to my doctor about a family vacation scheduled for the week of August 16th. My due date is August 29th. I am torn as to what I should do...As expected the doctor reccomended strongly that I stay here, her primary concern being delivering far from home in a strange hospital with doctors that don't know me and such. Problem is, my whole family is going so if I don't I would be at the house, by myself, at 38 weeks pregnant which seems at least an equally crummy situation. It is a lazy beach trip, so the nature of it would not be an issue. Just traveling and distance. I have 8 weeks or so to contemplate and I shall...

Hmmm...Other than that...

I have kind of been slacking in the life planning department. I haven't done ANYTHING to make steps toward my law/grad school goal. I've planned on planning but haven't really gotten around to it (even though I literally do NOTHING all day, every day.) Maybe it is pregnancy brain or exhaustion or a combination of both, maybe it's laziness, or maybe it is all of those or none of those. Not sure.

Oh! And I got facebook back. Not too far into the pregnancy someone was hacking into all my stuff online so I deleted facebook. I recreated a hidden profile so I can at least stay in better touch with my close friends and I think it is a good thing. I am still a little nervous but I think maybe I am just paranoid.

I still don't think I want random people I went to school with to know I am pregnant.

I wonder if they do?

-66 Days Until Baby

68 & 67 Days Until Baby

I am so not great at this whole pregnancy blog thing.

Here I am, trying to record the memories, and I don't post the first day of CHILDBIRTH CLASSES!

I should be ashamed of myself.

Oh well, better late than never. Although I feel like it should be a pretty big deal it wasn't. I went to the class that my local hospital offers. Sister K went with me as a support person. We were arguing allll day yesterday...We spend way too much time together, but I still think it is sweet of her to just be there.

The first class seemed a little pointless, but I guess if I wasn't so obsessed with reading anything and everything about pregnancy it would have been informative. Instead, it felt a little redundant. They had us watch the infamous labor videos.

I had a few problems with this though.

1. We had all just met each other. I think that it was a little uncomfortable to watch in the company of strangers.
2. The instructor lady left after starting the video. Hello. What if we had questions?
3. All of the ladies in the video were like 40.
4. They were all also completely naked. I doubt I will be giving birth without clothes on...is that necessary?
5. The video were like 20 years old. Or older. It literally could have been my birth we witnessed if my mom had been 20 years older and lacking shame when she gave birth for me. I think it made it more boring somehow.

Yesterday was also the day Jon and Kate announced their divorce. Not an entirely shocking event.

Today was such an off day. I woke up at 4:30 am and was thinking about death. Again. For some reason I have had a weird preoccupation with death the past few weeks. I think that is a bit deep for tonight's blog post but moral is I ended up staying up until 1 or so this afternoon and then crashing until 3:30 or so.

For some reason my entire day was thrown off because of this. I spent most of the day exhausted because I hadn't slept enough, then I slept, and then I was tired because I had just woken up. It is almost 9 p.m. and I have only felt human for a couple hours. Yuck...

Tonight I am making what is rumored to be the BEST EVER LEMONADE.

We'll see about that.

-67 Days Until Baby

69 Days Until Baby

Today is Father's Day.

We went to my grandfather's house... Had a cookout.

Thank God for my Dad. He really is my rock and the most stable part of my life. If it weren't for him Lord knows where I would be...

-69 Days Until Baby

70 Days Until Baby

30 Weeks!

I am kind of over the whole pregnancy thing. I thought I saw a stretchmark today and I literally almost cried. I am embarrassed to admit that, I think it sort of highlights my vanity and is one more point for the "are you really sure you are mature enough to handle supporting another life, yeah right" tally that I keep in my brain. Even worse, for about 20 seconds I had an internal dialogue in my head where I pictured asking my doctor to induce labor early to avoid getting terrible stretch marks and then just as quickly was horrified that the thought would even cross my mind. Let me clarify, I would NEVER, EVER ask a doctor this, and as tired as I am of being pregnant my greatest wish in life right now is that this baby is born no sooner than when she is fully baked, and in perfect health. That's what makes it so strange to me that the thought even entered my mind!

I feel like I am at an odd point in the pregnancy...30 weeks sounds like a lot in but so does the 10 more weeks that I have until she is born. I sort of feel as if I have been pregnant forever but there is still almost forever to go.

I am torn as far as how I feel about rushing things as well. I have been fixated lately on the idea of the shortness of time, how we have to make the most out of life so I don't want to wish it all away. I also realize that the next few weeks of my life will be last in which I can be as selfish as I am now (well I guess it changed when I found out I was pregnant, but it will REALLY be different later). I want to enjoy the peace before the storm and all.

That being said I am not sure I love being pregnant. I do not mind the weight gain from a vanity standpoint (except for it's role in bringing about stretch marks) I think mostly because my face looks the same so I feel like I am the same. I am sort of self conscious of this big belly, my ringless finger, and the obvious youth and instability I am sure I project. In a sense I kind of feel like I am shouting something to the world about my character that feels very dirty and wrong. I feel uptight sometimes when strangers mention it, my belly, acknowledging that they are aware of the pregnancy, and I feel embarrassed to let one of my grandfathers see me. This also makes me feel guilty (are you noticing any trends???) because I don't feel negatively about the child I am carrying...I feel guilty for the manifestation of my "sin" in my outward body.

I also don't like having my body taken over and also trusting my body to support this baby. I worry so much. I know there will be worry (probably even more) once she is born, but the reassurance of seeing her here will make it different, at least that is what I am thinking.

I am almost afraid to admit this, for fear of jinxing it, but on a brighter note I have been feeling a lot more movement (as in the baby's movements) the past few days. Finally. I have felt her throughout the entire day for the past couple of days and it makes me feel so much more at ease. I am going to worry now when it isn't as regular, but hopefully that isn't an issue. It has been so frustrating for me as I read so much and I compare so much and as you can probably tell from much of this post I THINK WAY TOO MUCH!

Ahk!

Once my life is back on track (as in I have one again) hopefully I won't have as much time to over-think. Until then, I am going to practice living presently, pleasantly, in the moment and at the same time try to do what I can to make my life as good as possible once it has restarted.

Honestly though, all I really do is watch TV and sleep...Oh and I eat a lot too.

-70 Days Until Baby