I Made You From Scratch

On the season premier of Grey's Anatomy last night (I am not a hugely devoted fan of the show but as I have mentioned before, I have the time.) there was a young girl (late teens, early twenties maybe?) who had been in a really bad accident and continued to write to her mother that she was well, despite the fact that she had had both of her arms and a leg amputated and almost died. What made this stick out was she said her reason for not telling her mother was that her mother often told her, protectively, to be careful with her body because she made it from scratch. As a new mother I really appreciated the sentiment.

In fact, lately I appreciate all sentiment. I spent yesterday preemptive-ly nostalgic because I realized that at 28 days old yesterday was the last day Gemma would technically be a newborn. I was surprised at how much this saddened me especially as I have been anxiously awaiting the next stage for so long. The whole newborn thing has been ROUGH on me, in the beginning I was literally in tears by the end of the day, ever day. I am longing for structure and predictability in my day again. And still, I feel a huge sense of loss now that she is 29 days old. Ugh, does the love/hate relationship with time ever end?

I am also struggling with what to do with her newborn clothes as I can tell she has either outgrown or is close to outgrowing them. I know I want to save some of them but it is impractical to save them all. How do you chose? I am not a pack rat by nature so this need to hold on is so out of character.

I am still working on staying in the moment, in the day, as I think it will bring a greater sense of peace to all of this. I spend a lot of time dwelling in the past or dreaming of the future when in reality the only moment you have is this one and I need to start living it instead of just believing it. I want to look back on the next stage quickly and knowing that I made the best of it and at the same time be happy where I am at and excited for where I am going. That isn't asking too much is it? :)

Oh, and quick update on Gemma and the reflux... She is now taking another medicine and they told me to give her tiny does of Maalox when she seems especially fussy. The doctor seems confident that we are on our way to getting her feeling better and once we do getting her to sleep in her crib again and to adopt more of a schedule will both be a whole lot easier. I am excited for that to happen but honestly, I just want my baby girl to feel good.

I made her from scratch...