Parenting Win

I was feeling a little nostalgic today, and was going through old blog posts. Actually, I was looking up how much she weighed when she was born. Don't judge me please.  Way back then I used to post every time she coughed and call it a milestone. It was as I was mocking myself for posting how sad it was that Gemma was turning 29 days old and would no longer be a newborn (seriously self?) that I realized that maybe I should post about the most epic accomplishment in my parenting history.

Gemma falls asleep by herself now.

In case my enthusiasm wasn't properly conveyed by that sentence:

***GEMMA FALLS ASLEEP BY 

HERSELF NOW!!!***

To be fair, she is still sleeping in my bed, and I join her when I am ready to go to sleep. And some nights there is a little bit of fussing.

Either way...

Total.

Parenting.

Win.

We're looking towards a future where I have me time. 

***ME TIME***

This is almost as a million times more exciting then when she turned 29 days old. 

Like I said...

We're looking forward.

And for now at least, I'm happy about it. 

Motivation

Goal: 30 Days Without Eating Out

Reward:



I WILL do this...

and live to blog about it...

while wearing shiny new Toms.

Mobile Upload Photo Bomb

So...I have survived another semester of grad school.

Thank God.

It was a challenging semester. My internship was less than perfect. My classes were freaking HARD. Gemma was...well, two.

But I made it!

And I have a fabulous 10 day break before my summer semester starts.

I am soooooooooooooooooo ready for a break.

The Gemma update...

She's pretty much a genius.

Of course.

She is cute, happy, and well adjusted.

Even if she does like to sniff butts, and generally has the sense of humor of an 8 year old boy.

But yeah...she's good.

And the photo bomb I promised...

I Survived

My full week back on the grind.

It wasn't so bad.

We have been making progress.

By we I mean Gemma.

She is pretty much potty trained and sleeping in her own bed.

*knock on wood*

I am still focusing on myself. Not solely, just more than what I was. I actually am planning to go out this weekend. I bought myself a few things.

Right this second I am curled up on my couch watching How I Met Your Mother, ignoring my messy kitchen and those 5 pages that I have left to read for class tomorrow. I am just letting myself relax.

Life is good. I am happy.

Today's life lesson:

Listen to yourself.

Dishes can wait.

# 6 Stop trying to hold onto the past.

In my last post I posted a list of things one should stop doing to themselves. Number 6 on that list was, "Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one." This stood out for me as I have been playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda game with myself lately and at the same time feeling like I am so ready to move on.

In order to move on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas have to stop.

I did what I thought was best.

And here I am.

And that is okay.

I guess I should back up a bit, and explain why this has been on my mind so much.

It was this time three years ago that I found out that I pregnant.

By someone I didn't love.

By someone I didn't really know.

I didn't want to be pregnant.

Especially not by him. 

I wasn't going to tell anyone.

I wasn't going to have a baby.

I made plans.

But I couldn't...

I couldn't not have that baby. 

I love Gemma, with everything I am.

Really.

But I still wonder...

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

I should have never "been with him."

I could have "ended it."

I would have done things differently if only I knew how they would play out...

I made choices though.

I slept with him, didn't show up to the abortion I scheduled, I did what I did and there is no looking back...

It feels good to get that all out.

I just need to get it all out and move away from it.

Stop worrying about my past mistakes and focus on my future successes.

I need to let the past go.

For Myself.

For Gemma.

For Real.

My Best Self

I think that is what I want to start focusing on here.

Maybe I will share more about Gemma.

But I really want to make an effort to turn all of the things I want to work on into things that I am working on.

I have posted things similar to this.

But I mean it.

My life is NOW.

It's a good life.

But I know I can make it better.

Here is a little inspiration for day one...

*Original Source*

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Isn't This Cute

My Kindle will finally have a cozy new home. 

Sometimes it's the little things!

link to seller

I Want...

to be better

to  be more patient

to be stronger

to be prettier

to be more brave

to be more resolute

to be able to "go for it"

to be enough

to be over the hump

I want to be my best self.

For my daughter and myself.

I want to fix it all.

The Day After Christmas

I didn't think I was in a  post-Christmas-funk , until this evening when I became the grumpiest grump that ever lived. I refuse to believe that it has anything to do with my winning personality, so post-Christmas-funk it is.

Not me.

For realz.

Oh, and Gemma has been possessed by a demon,

I hear, "I'm Hungry!" (pronounced Ahh'm Houwngreee) eight hundred and seventy five thousand times a day. Most of the time she doesn't eat anything she is just bored. Or pushing buttons. Or both. But very rarely hungry.

Here she really was hungry:

Here too:

Here, not so much:

Thank God for Dora. She is basically co-parenting at this point. Well, not really, but Dora helps me get a little me time every now and again.

Of course, she doesn't watch enough t.v. for it to be bad, in case anyone was judging me.

Or, at least I hope not.

Dang, now I am judging myself.

Kind of like I judged myself when this happened:

What kind of mom gives their kid juice in bed? And then turns on the light while their angel sleeps and takes a crappy cell phone pic of it?

*I'm shamefully raising my hand.

I will leave you with 2 pieces of good news...

I got all A's this semester! 

Except for one was an A-, which nobody thought I deserved (the teacher and special instructor both thought I was doing "perfectly" and should have gotten an A) but somehow I still received. Grr...

and...I bought a kitchen table!

Which wouldn't be such exciting news if it weren't for the fact that Gemma and I have been eating picnic style on the floor since August when we moved to the new apartment.

Sooo...woo hoo...I guess. 

My good news made me annoyed again.

Oh well, it is totally just because it is the day after Christmas.

Tomorrow will be better fo sho.

Progress

Gemma was a Fairy for Halloween

Yes, I realize Halloween was 2 weeks ago. The blog world is sooo over Halloween right now.

Here is my little fairy (minus her cute head flower thing) in a not so great cell phone picture. 

Sorry folks. 

(For the Halloween stuff I mean)

I haven't gotten around to uploading the real pictures yet.

Maybe by December?

But I am blogging.

Progress!

The semester is finally winding down.

I mean, as long as you can count 2 more papers and 2 more presentations and 40 more hours of internship hours as winding down. 

More progress!

I feel like I am coming into myself more here. I know I have spoken about that at length before.

I have been reclaiming (and losing) parts of myself for the past 2 and a half years.

It's easy to lose yourself in your kids.

It's easy to lose yourself in your life.

But...

I am slowly making a comeback.

I am still not good about going "out" without Gemma.

I would have to find a babysitter.

And like, leave her with them.

Even though I already abandon her for 40 hours a week.

I am not quite ready for it.

But...

I am making friends!

Even MORE progress!

And in the past month I have cut my hair, bought myself some clothes, and other little things.

Things I am not so good at doing for myself.

I'd say that is progress too!

I think I made the right choice is coming here.

(Gemma just fell out of bed and I had to go save her. Totally unrelated, but thought I would share.)

So, as I was saying...

I think I did the right thing.

It was a step in the right direction.

I hope (and truly believe) that we will continue to make progress here.

It sure feels good to finally be moving forward.

Even though I guess I have been moving forward all along.

Hmmm...

The Latest

So, I should be working on a 10 page paper right now.

Or at least showering or cleaning or something.

But I am watching Jersey Shore and effing around on the internet.

I deserve it I think.

So...the latest...

Gemma is so big, beautiful, and bright. She has chunked up a little and weighs 24.5 pounds now. Which I know because I finally got her insurance straight down here. Hallelujah. She is talking so much. The other day she told me that she wanted to put makeup on her face. Seriously Gemma? I have no idea where she got that from because Lord knows I don't have time for makeup these days. 

(Who am I kidding...Lord knows I have never really worn makeup on regular basis.)

Class is going well. It is midterm and like I said I should be working on a 10 page paper that I have due on Tuesday. But I am not. I have 4 pages done already though so that is something, right?

I am interning at the foster agency still. For professional reasons I won't say much except that I love it and it breaks my heart at the same time.

Life here seems to be going well. We have settled in and I am figuring out where things are and how things work. It is exciting to be in  a new place (even if that new place isn't particularly exciting.)

I am headed home soon, which is exciting. 

Gemma doesn't have a Halloween costume yet.

Not so exciting.

I am blabbering now.

Eff it, I should at least tryyy to do a little more work.

Only 18 months to go.

Holla!

 :)

Gemma Turned Two

A little over a week ago.

I have no pictures and no heartfelt sentiments to share.

Except for I love her.

We are still making big changes around here. Not only has Gemma turned 2 but she has also been in hardcore potty training boot camp.

Not that hard core.

But we are working on it.

And making progress!

Classes are off to a nice, slow start.

Navigating the mountain roads in the dark or in bad weather makes me a bundle of nerves, but what else is new.

Life is okay.

I am a little lonely, but mostly good.

Happy labor day y'all!

Settled In

So Gems and I are settling into the new place quite well. I actually forgot how nice living on your own can be.

 Small things, like being able to eat cold chicken out of a Tupperware container, with my fingers, in the middle of the living room, while watching Project Runway without having to explain anything to anyone.

It's nice.

Gemma enjoys her space is proud of her room.

Even though she still sleeps in mine.

Go figure.

Here are a few quick pictures...

Checking out the cabinet space.

I had an errand to run on campus and of course brought Bam along.

We were going for a walk around our complex here. I love how she is holding her hands here.

This was tonight. That may or may not be cold chicken in her hand.

So, things are going well. Now that the boxes are (mostly) tossed out and I am (almost) completely settled in the new place I am starting to feel a teeny bit anxious about school. I am worried that it is going to be a lot. 

Buttt...

I have been taking this whole life change process one step at a time and everything has worked out so far.

I don't want to jinx myself but I am feeling...capable.

And settled in.

Less Than a Week!

Until my big move. Ahhh... So much to pack/buy/do. 

And of course, I am keeping my hands busy with this little lady:

Umm, excuse the picture that is even awful for a camera phone picture. It was the most recent picture in my photobucket. 

Take my word for it, she is cute.

Anywho, Friday was my last day of work. This weekend I had a small-ish, cheap-ish Mickey Mouse birthday party for Gemma. She won't be 2 for 3 more weeks, but I wanted to make sure my family could celebrate with her. I didn't get a single good picture, but I made some good memories. That is the important part, right?

This move is a big deal. I am finally emerging from the little small town-family cocoon that I have built around myself and re-entering the world. Restarting my life.

Scary.

But exciting. 

Gemma wants a snack. She said she is "hun-ga-wee"

Later gators!

I Am 25 Now

I didn't lose that weight I was s'posed to.

In fact, I gained some.

Gemma is up still...It is 10:40 p.m.

FML

I'm broke...

I mean, my bills are paid...

but I am broke.

Oh, and I really miss blogging.

Hopefully I will be back soon.

And in a better mood.

xoxo

Father's Day

Today I baked my dad's favorite cake. Cooked him dinner. Bought him a card.

It was nice.

I feel guilty. Because Gemma will never have a Dad to buy a card for. Or bake or cook for.

Maybe a step dad.

But that's not the same.

I wish I could say I love her as much and any mom and dad put together, but I can only love her like a mother does.

Which is a lot...but.

*sigh*

I'm just emotional I guess.

Hi by the way.

Adequately Whelmed

I've been over adequately whelmed with life lately. I think the biggest change for me has been working a 40 hour work week for the first time in my life. By the time I get home in the evenings, fix dinner, give Gemma a bath, clean up some, pack lunches and clothes for the next day I am so pooped that I just sort of sink into my bed, watch t.v. or scholarship hunt for an hour or two, and then pass out until it is time to do it all over again...

There is no new news on the grad school front. I have officially been accepted, but haven't heard anything about aid or when classes start or anything so there is nothing to report there.

Gemma is doing well. She has gained a little weight and is back up to the 10th percentile which is her normal. Huge sigh of relief. She had pink eye last week, but I think that ooey gooey hell is finally over, thank the Lord. Here is some crappy picture phone evidence:

I feel like I am having very little time to connect with myself or the things that I enjoy (like blogging) lately. I know it can be done and ultimately it is up to me to prioritize and restructure my life, but to be honest...I can barely keep my room clean! My clothes are washed and dumped in baskets until I wear them, library books are overdue, and I think my car hasn't been washed in a month...at least...

Oh, and I have gained about 5 pounds.

On the bright side...

I am finally moving towards  a future that excites me.

I am making more money.

I have family support.

Gemma is HYSTERICAL (this might need it's own post)

And I am growing up.

30 Second Update

New job is much busier, but definitely an improvement.

Obligatory Easter Photo:

I watched this movie and quit eating meat. For now at least. 

Mother's Day was celebrated with brunch at my grandma's with lots of family and friends...

And...

I got in to grad school!

Stay tuned for a longer post...

Somehow this one still took 5 minutes.

Geesh, I wish the monster who is eating my time would go on somewhere...

Graduation Goggles

So, I am on my second day of the new job and so far my verdict is...

It's different.

I feel like my life has done a complete 180 in a matter of a few days... Mostly because it did.

The hours that I used to work, I'm off (well, for this week I am working both jobs, but afterwards that will be the case) and vice versa. The new job is go, go, go where at my old job...I just kind of played on the internet.

I was watching HIMYM last night, and they were talking about Graduation Goggles... You know...how when you know that something isn't going to be in your life for much longer it looks that much better to you. I guess that is how I am feeling about my old job right now. I am going to miss having down time at work, I am going to miss knowing what to do each day, and I am going to (kind of) miss (some of) the people.

On the other hand...having a job that actually challenges might be a good thing. Having my days go by quickly will be a welcome change, and I will have weekends off. Like a real grown up!

(sorry...I know this may be all over...I am running on no sleep...)

Ch-Ch-Changesss

I have some big news y'all!

I got a new job today and I start Monday!

Things are happening and they are happening quickly.

It seems like a much better opportunity. Monday-Friday, "normal" hours, a more interesting job, room for growth AND a little more money.

The downside is going to be leaving Gemma for 50 hours a week. I'm totally not looking forward to that BUT I know it is totally going to be worth it.

So...things are progressing and it feels really right to me that they are. Hopefully this will get the ball rolling for bigger and better things...

I might even start blogging more...It's not like I could blog any less.

xoxo,

Happy Weekend Y'all!