Things have once again fallen a little silent here.
I have been so stuck inside my head lately, and there hasn't been much reflection that has made it out. Plus, my camera is broke too, so there hasn't even really been the option of a few cute pics slapped up with a couple of captions. I hope this explains my silence, at least a little bit.
I was always an anxious kid growing up. I remember going to bed at night, waiting for the world to end. My grandma used to bring me with her to a church and the end of the world was brought up weekly. Where our fellow churchgoers actually seemed excited about the prospect, I was absolutely TERRIFIED. Sounds of trains, or planes, or even dogs barking at night would cause my body to tense up and my breath to catch...each time I would wonder, is this it? I remember calculating that if the world would end in 2000, then I would live to 13... These thoughts began to consume me. I thought about the end of the world so often that it made it into my dreams. The thoughts would get so overwhelming that I would upset myself to the point of vomiting on a somewhat regular basis. I was referred to specialists for my stomach and I had to speak with a counselor at school regarding my "worrying."
Recently, the worry has come back. I am no longer convinced that the world is going to end, but there are thoughts that make me just as upset that have been churning around in my brain lately. Most people think unhappy thoughts and then are able to let them go, but for me, the thoughts get stuck and even grow and grow into something much bigger and much more consuming. The coping mechanism that is supposed to step in and quiet those fears simply is broken in me. I can't do it.
So, I reached out for help.I have been given medicine that will hopefully get me back on track.
I have OCD.
Sometimes, it makes me anxious.