And Baby Makes Two

I Survived

2012-01-23T17:17:00.000-08:00

My full week back on the grind.

It wasn't so bad.

We have been making progress.

By we I mean Gemma.

She is pretty much potty trained and sleeping in her own bed.

*knock on wood*

I am still focusing on myself. Not solely, just more than what I was. I actually am planning to go out this weekend. I bought myself a few things.

Right this second I am curled up on my couch watching How I Met Your Mother, ignoring my messy kitchen and those 5 pages that I have left to read for class tomorrow. I am just letting myself relax.

Life is good. I am happy.

Today's life lesson:

Listen to yourself.

Dishes can wait.

# 6 Stop trying to hold onto the past.

2012-01-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

In my last post I posted a list of things one should stop doing to themselves. Number 6 on that list was, "Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one." This stood out for me as I have been playing the shoulda, coulda, woulda game with myself lately and at the same time feeling like I am so ready to move on.

In order to move on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas have to stop.

I did what I thought was best.

And here I am.

And that is okay.

I guess I should back up a bit, and explain why this has been on my mind so much.

It was this time three years ago that I found out that I pregnant.

By someone I didn't love.

By someone I didn't really know.

I didn't want to be pregnant.

Especially not by him.

I wasn't going to tell anyone.

I wasn't going to have a baby.

I made plans.

But I couldn't...

I couldn't not have that baby.

I love Gemma, with everything I am.

Really.

But I still wonder...

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

I should have never "been with him."

I could have "ended it."

I would have done things differently if only I knew how they would play out...

I made choices though.

I slept with him, didn't show up to the abortion I scheduled, I did what I did and there is no looking back...

It feels good to get that all out.

I just need to get it all out and move away from it.

Stop worrying about my past mistakes and focus on my future successes.

I need to let the past go.

For Myself.

For Gemma.

For Real.

My Best Self

2012-01-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

I think that is what I want to start focusing on here.

Maybe I will share more about Gemma.

But I really want ~~to make an effort~~ to turn all of the things I want to work on into things that I am working on.

I have posted things similar to this.

But I mean it.

My life is NOW.

It's a good life.

But I know I can make it better.

Here is a little inspiration for day one...

*Original Source*

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Isn't This Cute

2012-01-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

My Kindle will finally have a cozy new home.

Sometimes it's the little things!

link to seller

I Want...

2011-12-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

to be better

to be more patient

to be stronger

to be prettier

to be more brave

to be more resolute

to be able to "go for it"

to be enough

to be over the hump

I want to be my best self.

For my daughter and myself.

I want to fix it all.

The Day After Christmas

2011-12-26T18:36:00.000-08:00

I didn't think I was in a post-Christmas-funk , until this evening when I became the grumpiest grump that ever lived. I refuse to believe that it has anything to do with my winning personality, so post-Christmas-funk it is.

Not me.

For realz.

Oh, and Gemma has been possessed by a demon,

I hear, "I'm Hungry!" (pronounced Ahh'm Houwngreee) eight hundred and seventy five thousand times a day. Most of the time she doesn't eat anything she is just bored. Or pushing buttons. Or both. But very rarely hungry.

Here she really was hungry:

Here too:

Here, not so much:

Thank God for Dora. She is basically co-parenting at this point. Well, not really, but Dora helps me get a little me time every now and again.

Of course, she doesn't watch enough t.v. for it to be bad, in case anyone was judging me.

Or, at least I hope not.

Dang, now I am judging myself.

Kind of like I judged myself when this happened:

What kind of mom gives their kid juice in bed? And then turns on the light while their angel sleeps and takes a crappy cell phone pic of it?

*I'm shamefully raising my hand.

I will leave you with 2 pieces of good news...

I got all A's this semester!

Except for one was an A-, which nobody thought I deserved (the teacher and special instructor both thought I was doing "perfectly" and should have gotten an A) but somehow I still received. Grr...

and...I bought a kitchen table!

Which wouldn't be such exciting news if it weren't for the fact that Gemma and I have been eating picnic style on the floor since August when we moved to the new apartment.

Sooo...woo hoo...I guess.

My good news made me annoyed again.

Oh well, it is totally just because it is the day after Christmas.

Tomorrow will be better fo sho.

Progress

2011-11-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

Gemma was a Fairy for Halloween

Yes, I realize Halloween was 2 weeks ago. The blog world is sooo over Halloween right now.

Here is my little fairy (minus her cute head flower thing) in a not so great cell phone picture.

Sorry folks.

(For the Halloween stuff I mean)

I haven't gotten around to uploading the real pictures yet.

Maybe by December?

But I am blogging.

Progress!

The semester is finally winding down.

I mean, as long as you can count 2 more papers and 2 more presentations and 40 more hours of internship hours as winding down.

More progress!

I feel like I am coming into myself more here. I know I have spoken about that at length before.

I have been reclaiming (and losing) parts of myself for the past 2 and a half years.

It's easy to lose yourself in your kids.

It's easy to lose yourself in your life.

But...

I am slowly making a comeback.

I am still not good about going "out" without Gemma.

I would have to find a babysitter.

And like, leave her with them.

Even though I already abandon her for 40 hours a week.

I am not quite ready for it.

But...

I am making friends!

Even MORE progress!

And in the past month I have cut my hair, bought myself some clothes, and other little things.

Things I am not so good at doing for myself.

I'd say that is progress too!

I think I made the right choice is coming here.

(Gemma just fell out of bed and I had to go save her. Totally unrelated, but thought I would share.)

So, as I was saying...

I think I did the right thing.

It was a step in the right direction.

I hope (and truly believe) that we will continue to make progress here.

It sure feels good to finally be moving forward.

Even though I guess I have been moving forward all along.

Hmmm...

The Latest

2011-10-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

So, I should be working on a 10 page paper right now.

Or at least showering or cleaning or something.

But I am watching Jersey Shore and effing around on the internet.

I deserve it I think.

So...the latest...

Gemma is so big, beautiful, and bright. She has chunked up a little and weighs 24.5 pounds now. Which I know because I finally got her insurance straight down here. Hallelujah. She is talking so much. The other day she told me that she wanted to put makeup on her face. Seriously Gemma? I have no idea where she got that from because Lord knows I don't have time for makeup these days.

(Who am I kidding...Lord knows I have never really worn makeup on regular basis.)

Class is going well. It is midterm and like I said I should be working on a 10 page paper that I have due on Tuesday. But I am not. I have 4 pages done already though so that is something, right?

I am interning at the foster agency still. For professional reasons I won't say much except that I love it and it breaks my heart at the same time.

Life here seems to be going well. We have settled in and I am figuring out where things are and how things work. It is exciting to be in a new place (even if that new place isn't particularly exciting.)

I am headed home soon, which is exciting.

Gemma doesn't have a Halloween costume yet.

Not so exciting.

I am blabbering now.

Eff it, I should at least tryyy to do a little more work.

Only 18 months to go.

Holla!

Gemma Turned Two

2011-09-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

A little over a week ago.

I have no pictures and no heartfelt sentiments to share.

Except for I love her.

We are still making big changes around here. Not only has Gemma turned 2 but she has also been in hardcore potty training boot camp.

Not that hard core.

But we are working on it.

And making progress!

Classes are off to a nice, slow start.

Navigating the mountain roads in the dark or in bad weather makes me a bundle of nerves, but what else is new.

Life is okay.

I am a little lonely, but mostly good.

Happy labor day y'all!

Settled In

2011-08-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

So Gems and I are settling into the new place quite well. I actually forgot how nice living on your own can be.

Small things, like being able to eat cold chicken out of a Tupperware container, with my fingers, in the middle of the living room, while watching Project Runway without having to explain anything to anyone.

It's nice.

Gemma enjoys her space is proud of her room.

Even though she still sleeps in mine.

Go figure.

Here are a few quick pictures...

Checking out the cabinet space.

I had an errand to run on campus and of course brought Bam along.

We were going for a walk around our complex here. I love how she is holding her hands here.

This was tonight. That may or may not be cold chicken in her hand.

So, things are going well. Now that the boxes are (mostly) tossed out and I am (almost) completely settled in the new place I am starting to feel a teeny bit anxious about school. I am worried that it is going to be a lot.

Buttt...

I have been taking this whole life change process one step at a time and everything has worked out so far.

I don't want to jinx myself but I am feeling...capable.

And settled in.

Less Than a Week!

2011-08-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

Until my big move. Ahhh... So much to pack/buy/do.

And of course, I am keeping my hands busy with this little lady:

Umm, excuse the picture that is even awful for a camera phone picture. It was the most recent picture in my photobucket.

Take my word for it, she is cute.

Anywho, Friday was my last day of work. This weekend I had a small-ish, cheap-ish Mickey Mouse birthday party for Gemma. She won't be 2 for 3 more weeks, but I wanted to make sure my family could celebrate with her. I didn't get a single good picture, but I made some good memories. That is the important part, right?

This move is a big deal. I am finally emerging from the little small town-family cocoon that I have built around myself and re-entering the world. Restarting my life.

Scary.

But exciting.

Gemma wants a snack. She said she is "hun-ga-wee"

Later gators!

I Am 25 Now

2011-07-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't lose that weight I was s'posed to.

In fact, I gained some.

Gemma is up still...It is 10:40 p.m.

FML

I'm broke...

I mean, my bills are paid...

but I am broke.

Oh, and I really miss blogging.

Hopefully I will be back soon.

And in a better mood.

xoxo

Father's Day

2011-06-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today I baked my dad's favorite cake. Cooked him dinner. Bought him a card.

It was nice.

I feel guilty. Because Gemma will never have a Dad to buy a card for. Or bake or cook for.

Maybe a step dad.

But that's not the same.

I wish I could say I love her as much and any mom and dad put together, but I can only love her like a mother does.

Which is a lot...but.

*sigh*

I'm just emotional I guess.

Hi by the way.

Adequately Whelmed

2011-05-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

I've been ~~over~~ adequately whelmed with life lately. I think the biggest change for me has been working a 40 hour work week for the first time in my life. By the time I get home in the evenings, fix dinner, give Gemma a bath, clean up some, pack lunches and clothes for the next day I am so pooped that I just sort of sink into my bed, watch t.v. or scholarship hunt for an hour or two, and then pass out until it is time to do it all over again...

There is no new news on the grad school front. I have officially been accepted, but haven't heard anything about aid or when classes start or anything so there is nothing to report there.

Gemma is doing well. She has gained a little weight and is back up to the 10th percentile which is her normal. Huge sigh of relief. She had pink eye last week, but I think that ooey gooey hell is finally over, thank the Lord. Here is some crappy picture phone evidence:

I feel like I am having very little time to connect with myself or the things that I enjoy (like blogging) lately. I know it can be done and ultimately it is up to me to prioritize and restructure my life, but to be honest...I can barely keep my room clean! My clothes are washed and dumped in baskets until I wear them, library books are overdue, and I think my car hasn't been washed in a month...at least...

Oh, and I have gained about 5 pounds.

On the bright side...

I am finally moving towards a future that excites me.

I am making more money.

I have family support.

Gemma is HYSTERICAL (this might need it's own post)

And I am growing up.

30 Second Update

2011-05-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

New job is much busier, but definitely an improvement.

Obligatory Easter Photo:

I watched this movie and quit eating meat. For now at least.

Mother's Day was celebrated with brunch at my grandma's with lots of family and friends...

And...

I got in to grad school!

Stay tuned for a longer post...

Somehow this one still took 5 minutes.

Geesh, I wish the monster who is eating my time would go on somewhere...

Graduation Goggles

2011-04-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

So, I am on my second day of the new job and so far my verdict is...

It's different.

I feel like my life has done a complete 180 in a matter of a few days... Mostly because it did.

The hours that I used to work, I'm off (well, for this week I am working both jobs, but afterwards that will be the case) and vice versa. The new job is go, go, go where at my old job...I just kind of played on the internet.

I was watching HIMYM last night, and they were talking about Graduation Goggles... You know...how when you know that something isn't going to be in your life for much longer it looks that much better to you. I guess that is how I am feeling about my old job right now. I am going to miss having down time at work, I am going to miss knowing what to do each day, and I am going to (kind of) miss (some of) the people.

On the other hand...having a job that actually challenges might be a good thing. Having my days go by quickly will be a welcome change, and I will have weekends off. Like a real grown up!

(sorry...I know this may be all over...I am running on no sleep...)

Ch-Ch-Changesss

2011-04-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

I have some big news y'all!

I got a new job today and I start Monday!

Things are happening and they are happening quickly.

It seems like a much better opportunity. Monday-Friday, "normal" hours, a more interesting job, room for growth AND a little more money.

The downside is going to be leaving Gemma for 50 hours a week. I'm totally not looking forward to that BUT I know it is totally going to be worth it.

So...things are progressing and it feels really right to me that they are. Hopefully this will get the ball rolling for bigger and better things...

I might even start blogging more...It's not like I could blog any less.

xoxo,

Happy Weekend Y'all!

Things I Am Happy About

2011-03-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

I think we are finally healthy again. Knock on wood.
It's the friday before my weekend off.
Things are going to get better.

I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on. Like I said, things are going to get better.

Wah Wah Wednesday

2011-03-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's Wednesday and Gemma is sick.

Again not still.

This time with a stomache bug.

Sick kids suck.

Well, the kid doesn't suck but the sickness does.

We are going on 2 weeks of being mostly homebound.

The rain every other day doesn't help much either.

I've given up on trying to find fun indoor activities for us.

I've watched a lot of t.v. lately.

What can you do though, when your toddler is sick.

Like I said...

Wah Wah Wednesday

Spring Has Sprung

2011-03-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Spring has sprung and I am ready for a little rebirth.

I look forward to seeing the Earth awake.

I look forward to seeing myself awake.

Things here have been so-so. Gemma had an awful cold that went to her chest...The doctor is assuming RSV. We've been doing breathing treatments four times a day and taking it easy.

I think that has to be one of the toughest times to be a single parent. When your child is sick. There is no one else to help with medication, to give extra snuggles, to take temperatures. There is no one else so completely absorbed and concerned with your child's illness. Even when it something like a cold, which is relatively minor, every compulsion I have as a parent is to fix it...and it sucks that I can't. It sucks even more that I am the only one that feels that way and I still have to do all of the practical things that come along with having a sick kid.

Gemma actually probably picked up the bug at the pediatricians office when we were there for her 18 month check up. She was 32.5" and 20 pounds and 12 ounces. She has been thin for a while and I was worried about and the doctor said that it was fine. Now that I am feeling comfortable with it the doctor says that if she hasn't picked up a little more weight by her 2 year appointment she is going to want to do some lab work to make sure that everything is okay.

Blah.

Doctors appointments suck.

This has encouraged me to really focus on what Gemma is eating and how she is eating. I decided to get a booster seat for her and to start eating at the table with her. Our lives are so unstructured, but more and more I am realizing that I am pretty much going to have to create some more structure in our lives...no matter how contrary it is to my personality.

I finally got my grad school application in, all the parts and pieces included. It took about an extra 6 weeks from when I thought it was done. I hate that the extra time passed and I hate that my application is coming in just before the deadline, but what can I do now? At least it's done, right?

I have also started to look for a new job. There is nothing really wrong with the job I have now, it just isn't the right job for me. I am not really learning or growing, and, on a more practical note, I need something full time.

Regardless of the outcome of the grad school application it is progress for me to have it turned in. For awhile now I have been putting life off until after I know whether or now I got accepted.

Pretty soon I'll know.

And in the meantime I've decided not to keep spending more of my life waiting.

So I'm searching, and applying, and hoping.

And I guess I am waiting a little bit too.

Lipstick?

2011-03-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

Mattress Shopping as an Analogy for Life?

2011-02-28T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've been mattress shopping.

For a month.

I've actually ordered 3 separate mattresses, and then in a last minute of, "Oh no! What I have I done?" I canceled them. For various reasons. Not the right box spring, too expensive, and why the hell did I even consider buying a mattress online?

Sheesh.

The more I looked, the more my head spun. Have you ever tried comparing the price of mattresses? If you have, you know that tried is the operative word as mattresses are renamed from store-to-store and even from state to state. You can try comparing them by features but even then, it's not easy determining the difference between Eurotop and Pillowtop.

Well, for me at least.

Mattress shopping sucks.

Today, I resolved myself that this would be my final day of mattress shopping. I had to make a choice. I had to get a new comfy bed.

So I got up, got dressed, and headed to the store.

With my daddy of course.

And I laid on this mattress and that mattress. I declared them too firm, still not soft enough, and almost but not quite right.

Then..I found one that I liked!

The salesman suggested a price.

I suggested a lowered one.

(Ermh, well...my dad did.)

And he agreed!

So...

I bought a mattress!

Dang, mattresses are expensive.

Afterwards I started stressing...

Maybe I could have found something better. Maybe he charged me too much. Maybe I didn't need a mattress at all.

But tomorrow night...

fingers crossed...

I'm gonna have a good night's sleep.

And I refuse to stress it. No matter how big the purchase or what else this poor single mama could have done with the money. I am going to be happy that I made that big leap and move on with life, trusting that it was the right thing to do. I am going to be proud of myself for doing something for me.

If I were a better blogger, I would point out the analogy. Maybe something about how "settling" isn't always a bad thing. Or, maybe there is something to be said for just going for it. I might mention something about the importance of trusting yourself. I might assert that there are no guarantees in life. Expound upon the idea that a little support goes a long way...

If I were a better blogger I would connect all the dots, figure it out, and explain it all profoundly, poetically, and purposefully.

But I'm not a better blogger.

So this is what I have for you...

Mattress Shopping = Life

(maybe)

Cheer Up Swap

2011-02-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Do you remember how I posted about that swap I was participating in? I got my package today, came to work, took picures (yes, at work), I wrote a long, ridiculously descriptive post about how awesome the package truly was (yup, still at work), and BLOGGER ATE IT!

My first instinct was too be sad, but hey, that would defeat the purpose of a Cheer Up Swap, huh?

So here is the condensed version of that post:

Here's the button!

Thanks Brandy at You Don't Know for hosting!

My partner was the lovely Nichole at Nichole's Life as a Mommy and Wife.

Thanks times a trillion Nichole!

The beach/poolside themed gift was a perfect reminder of the upcoming spring, especially on a day like today that looked like this:

(I took this one at a red light...)

(...and this one while driving...)

(...and this one when I had safely made it to work)

I didn't get a picture of it, but the gift came in a Lego box.

But...

It wasn't Legos!

Check out my goodies!

(Totally not the first time in my life that I have said that.)

This is a super cute tote with a matching beach towel inside! I love the colors!

Isn't this a great idea?

Lots of fun stuff! A candle, sunblock, chapstick. gum, towel clip, floating candles, nail polish.

Cute little clips for Gemma!

Displayed on a Post-It. (I told you I was at work!)

And a letter, explaining all of the thought she put into this gift.

I sincerely appreciate everything Nichole, and I had so much fun participating.

If you want to see what I gave Nichole, click here.

And if you want to check out the other swappers, there is a link up here on Brandy's blog.

Checking In

2011-02-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends!

Today is a dreary day, but my spirits are actually starting to look up. I know I have been a bit of a drag off and on...well...all winter, but hey...we all get into ruts right? I am hoping the warming weather will encourage me to be a little more active again. It can be a bummer trapped inside the house with a 1.5 year old day. A cute bummer, but definitely a bummer.

Speaking of cute...Here she is in her cheese-tastic glory:

I got my new point and shoot this past Friday, and although I haven't gotten much of a chance to play with yet, I am pretty pleased! (It is a Canon S95, if you're wonderin')

The grad school application process is driving me absolutely nuts. First there was the hold up with my transcripts. I thought I had that all sorted out and I found out that 2 of my 3 recommenders didn't attach a letter with the form that they submitted. I am scrambling now. On top of that, I called records and registration today to verify that my transcripts had been sent and they hadn't. They promised me that it would go out today, but I sort of feel like it is a race against time at this point. This has certainly been a lesson learned in giving yourself plenty of time when applying for programs...I had wanted to have it together last November, but hey...I didn't. What can I do now but cross my fingers and move forward...

Oh, I started the South Beach Diet today! I weighed 143.8 when I weighed myself this morning. I don't think I am doing the diet the way you are supposed to exactly, but I hope it still helps. I did wake up at 5 a.m. and eat two of the enormous chocolate covered strawberries in the refrigerator and then throw the rest out so I wouldn't be tempted. I justified this by telling myself that they didn't count because technically, I wasn't up for the day...I went back to sleep after that. The rest of the day I at pretty well. I don't feel hungry and I am only craving carbs a teeny bit. We will see how it goes. I found out that the Girl Scout cookies I ordered forever ago will be here tomorrow. Go figure.

So, as I write this I am keeping on keeping on. Regardless of how things work out, I won't be in this same place next year. I won't let myself. I can't let myself.

I'm slowly emerging from my new mom cocoon, and now it is time to really try and figure out how to make my own path.

With her of course.

Wish me luck.

Things I Considered Blogging About Today

2011-02-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

Spring is Coming! Soon-ish. I hope.
No grad school news yet :(.
I'm horrible with money.
I will have two new cameras soon! (See #3)
Blah, blah, blah.
This super cute picture I took of Gemma but forgot to take off my camera.
Something...profound. (That is as far as I got with that one.)
Yet another reassesment of my life goals, ambitions, and self improvement missions.
#8, but for real this time.
My life in lists. I stopped when I wrote "Good Things: ...." and couldn't think of anything to add.

Thank God for Processed Foods

2011-02-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

So, I know that processed foods are bad for you and all, but...

sometimes they taste good.

This recipe is one of those recipes that relies on cans of Lord knows what, but the finished product tastes reallly good. The flavors aren't complex, but it is honest to goodness stick-to-your-ribs comfort food. This recipe is perfect for a weekday dinner that is as easy as it is yummy.

Easy Crock Pot Chicken and Dumplings
(Picture and Recipe via AllRecipes.com)

Ingredients

4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves

2 tablespoons butter

2 (10.75 ounce) cans condensed cream of chicken soup

1 onion, finely diced

2 (10 ounce) packages refrigerated biscuit dough, torn into pieces

Directions

1.Place the chicken, butter, soup, and onion in a slow cooker, and fill with enough water to cover.

2.Cover, and cook for 5 to 6 hours on High. About 30 minutes before serving, place the torn biscuit dough in the slow cooker. Cook until the dough is no longer raw in the center.

Just a few notes...

I skipped the butter in mine, and I didn't miss it!
The first time I cooked it I added frozen mixed veggies and a can of new potatoes. This tasted more like pot pie, but it was good too. Feel free to add any veggies that you like.
Add your chicken frozen! It helps save you a step and supposedly helps the chicken retain its juiciness.
You can sub the 2-10 ounce cans of biscuits for a large 16 ounce can of biscuits...you will still have plenty of dumplings.
There are lots of variations that could be made to this basic recipe. Try it the "right" way the first time and then play around with it. Sometimes things are best when left alone!

So, do you have any yummy-but-maybe-not-very-good-for-you recipes to share? Am I a complete heathen for not abandoning my beloved junk foods completely?

xoxo
-Kacie

Oh No!

2011-02-07T15:41:00.001-08:00

I've lost another follower.

You're dropping like flies.

Life isn't very exciting lately.

I'm still anxiously awaiting word on the one and only grad school that applied to.

I'm shopping 'til I drop for stuff I "need".

I'm running around instead of tackling the entire crib full of clean laundry that needs to be folded.

(At least the crib is getting some use.)

Gemma is getting bigger and funnier and sweeter.

Apparently licking the dog is awesome.

Personally, I think it's gross.

So, yeah, things are pretty boring around here lately.

Sometimes I want to stop and be insightful, but I just don't have the emotional energy lately.

Erhm, hi though!

xoxo

Doubt

2011-02-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

My grad school application is finally in.

In as in sent and received by the school.

In as in completely out of my hands.

Last week I had a bit of a hang up...It is a lot to explain but basically my head was swarming with default/deferment/holds and other awesome things that happen when you never receive a student loan bill.

Oops.

But now, the hang up is un-hung.

And I am doubting myself.

All along, I have told myself, "When I go to grad school."

And now, I see that it is merely a possibility.

My entire life plan is a possibility.

Scary stuff.

I think about how I should have applied sooner.

And certainly I was crazy for only applying to one place.

Ugh.

I am totally doubting myself.

This. Sucks.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-02T16:23:00.001-08:00

Cheer Up Swap and Fat Ass Friday

2011-01-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

Have y'all met Brandy from You Don't Know, yet? If not, you need too...she's awesome. She's funny, and crafty, and her little boy Grayson is adorable :)

Brandy has all kinds of excitement going on at You Don't Know, and this week I decided to join in.

First, I signed up for the Cheer Up Swap.

You should check it out if you like getting packages, and c'mon...who doesn't like packages!?!

I am also joining her for Fat Ass Friday. I actually weigh about 15 pounds more than I weighed at my 6 postpartum appointment. Seriously. Not cool. I've blogged about my weight issues a little here, but I have never really made changes that "stuck." Here is hoping that this is the time they do.

Here is Brandy's cute button for Fat Ass Friday.

And my stats:

Starting weight: Erm. My scale is broke. My best guess is 143 though...it was right around there last time I weighed myself.
Goal weight-125Last week's weight:-
Current weight: 143-ish
Weight +GAIN / -LOSS this week: -
Total weight lost: -

And here is my 143 pounds in pictures:

And proof I have a face...and need to get my eyebrows done. And brush my hair.

Have an awesome weekend y'all and go say hi to Brandy!

Snow Day!

2011-01-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

We are finally getting snow today! This is our first real snow storm of the season.

I am completely lazy today. I baked muffins earlier today, and that is about all I have accomplished. I still have to clean the kitchen up.

Right now, Gemma is napping and I am laying in bed with her watching Brothers and Sisters.

Lazy, lazy, lazy.

I think I like snow days.

Money, Money, Monday

2011-01-24T14:16:00.000-08:00

I've posted a little bit on here about saving money.

Saving money is a good thing.

The problem with how I save money is usually I save money on stuff that I am buying.

Buying things isn't always a good thing.

Of course, everyone needs certain things, but truth be told, most of us do it in excess. (Buy things that is)

Personally, I have struggled because...well...I don't make much money. Goals like buying a car, getting my own home, paying off my debts seem almost impossible so...I just.don't.bother.

And I buy stuff.

It's true.

So, with a little bit of a monetary windfall headed my way (thank you, Uncle Sam!) I have decided to try to get a better handle on my finances.

I looked up my credit report for free here. I faced my debts head on. Now, they weren't as bad as I thought, but they are still bad. Ick.

I also signed up on mint.com to set up a budget for myself. It's a work in progress, but hey, now I have a budget! (Oh, and if you are interested, Mint has an android app and also an iPhone/iPod touch app.)

These are definitely baby steps for me, but they are steps in the right direction. Many young people struggle with money, and sometimes it is overwhelming to try and figure it all out...but I'm gonna try.

Someone's gotta pay the bills, right?

Do you have any advice for me as I work towards financial independence?

Calling All Blog Designers!

2011-01-23T05:17:00.000-08:00

So, I have decided that this beautiful blog needs a new look...because that teeny tiny baby in my header doesn't exist anymore...she's been replaced with a big ol' toddler.

Plus, I have...ideas.

Secret ones.

For now at least.

I know that there are lots of blog designers out there, but I wanted to take it to my readers first and see if there are any of you who do blog design or if you know/have used a blog designer that you love and think I should check out.

Oh, and, I can pay someone this time.

That's usually important to mention.

Happy Sunday Y'all!

xoxo,
Kacie

I Stole This

2011-01-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

From my blog buddy Jordan at This Is My Now.

I like this so much that I made it my facebook picture.

It is exactly what I need to remind myself right now.

Thanks Jordan!

Happy Weekend Y'all!

Que Sera, Sera

2011-01-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

So...

I mailed my grad school application today.

Holy crap, I'm nervous.

For a whole list of reasons, this is the only school that I am applying to. If I don't get accepted, it is on to Plan B.

The problem is...

Plan B doesn't exist.

I am crossing all of my fingers and toes, knocking on wood, and all that good stuff.

I want this so much it is crazy.

It's out of my hands now, so I guess all I can do is hope for the best.

By the Time I'm 25...

2011-01-18T16:08:00.000-08:00

In 5 months and 8 days I am going to be 25 years old!

Eeek.

I keep thinking about who I want to be at 25 and how I am not quite that person yet.

So, I am on a quest for self improvement, both in and out.

I really want to overhaul my life and be the best me I can be.

I might try to focus on self improvement here for awhile. My life needs a lot of work and it sounds kind of silly to talk about these things out loud in real life...so I will let it all out here.

I want to be more patient, find inner peace, and reconnect with myself spiritually. I want to read more books, keep myself on a budget, and get more organized. I want to focus on my diet, exercise, dressing nicer, taking better care of my skin and hair.

I know I was kind of wish washy on the whole resolution thing, but I really need to make the changes I want to make like now.

After all, now is all we've got right?

P.S. 159 Days 'til I'm 25

Family Portrait

2011-01-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

Gemma, Right Now

2011-01-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

So, I realize that I haven't posted those monthly photos in...err...3 months, but I have been taking them, and I promise, Gemma keeps getting cuter and cuter. I used to write a little bit about her at each month, but I haven't done that since I quit posting pictures, so I wanted to just get out a little bit of randmomness. Feel free to skip this post, hey, it is Friday night anyway...should you really be in blog land? :)

Gemma is such a sweet, sweet girl...except for when she is pulling your hair.

She call toes piggies and likes to sniff...and sometimes lick (gross)...them.

Brushing my hair is fun for her and sometimes painful for me.

Just yesterday she started SCREAMING the dog's name "Ojjjjjjj." (His name is O.J., but we call him Oj...sounds like Oh plus G as in Giant.)

She's afraid of bugs, which is unfortunate because we STILL have pesky freakin' stink bugs.

She calls most drinks "milk" and desperately wants whatever I am drinking.

She loves ducks, and says "quack" whenever she sees them. Her quack sounds kind of aggressive, but so do all of her other animal sounds...

She has so many distinct intrests now! Cars (vrooom), dinosuars (rawr), babies in both doll and photographic for (bay-beh!).

She likes playing dress up, by throwing clothes around her neck or she tries to to put my pants on. She also tries on any pair shoes that she comes across. She likes applying lip gloss, uses lotion on her hands, and puts bracelets and hair ties on her wrist...like her mama.

She no longer just says "hello" on the phone, she has long gibberish conversations.

Anytime she sees a pillow, bed, or blanket, or when the t.v. is off (this shows my bad habits!) she says "night night."

She loves splashing in water...especially the dogs' water. Ick.

She's definitely off and running.

She likes to spin in circles. She gets really dizzy after a few spins and falls on her butt.

She likes rocking chairs and assumes most seats will rock. She says "rock, rock" as she sits.

Gosh, she really is the best baby ever!

You disagree?

Okay...maybe not the best baby ever.

But she is pretty freakin' sweet.

Seriously.

Here's an awful camera phone picture of her that was taken earlier this week. She is drinking a juice box and hanging out with her Aunt Abby...

I Swear My Kid Doesn't ALWAYS Have Junk Food on Her Face

2011-01-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

But sometimes she does.

Here's Gemma saying "CHEESE."

And playing in the dirty clothes basket.

With chocolate on her face.

At 10:00 o'clock at night.

Awesome.

Random Funny

2011-01-11T17:14:00.000-08:00

Not much to say today.

What I Ate on My First Day of "Dieting"

2011-01-10T15:13:00.000-08:00

All day yesterday at work I felt fat.

Uncomfortable in my skin, hanging out of my clothes, catching a glimpse of how I really look now, fat.

I resolved myself to finally, once and for all, making a real go of loosing the 20 or so pounds that have really been irking my nerves today.

For breakfast, I had one and a half fried eggs, two slices of white toast with butter, and two strips of bacon.

For a snack I had gooey butter cake and a glass of milk.

Lunch was almost an entire sesame chicken lunch special and half an egg roll.

I will eat dinner tonight, at 9:30, I'm not sure what .

According to my nifty calorie tracker app, I have already consumed over 1900 calories today.

Eeek.

At least I haven't had any soda!

And as always...tommorrow is another day.

Wish me luck.

And will power.

Sunday Savings

2011-01-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

Confession time.

If you've been reading this blog for a while you probably know I tend to get obsessed with things. Often. Everything from taco flavored potato chips to crazy reality shows to entering giveaways starts as something small for me and then becomes much bigger.

I guess I have an addictive personality.

My most recent obsession is online shopping. I think the combination of loving to shop, having a baby that is hard to shop with, and having lotsss of time to kill online (while I'm at work...I'm a receptionist, so it's okay!) has sort of created this online shopping monster...

Muahhahaaha... (that's an evil laugh. Could you tell?)

The only thing that makes my obsession no-so-bad is that I am not just shopping indiscriminately...

I'm bargain huntin'.

(Say that in your most country accent. Or like Elmer Fudd. Either one works.)

I have been a major fan of sites like Shop at Home and Ebates for cash back (note, those are referral links), I use Retail Me Not to find coupon codes, and I stalk Slickdeals to find bargains that others have posted.

I really am sooo addicted.

I know that this post might just seem like an excuse to post my referral links (promise it's not.(Only the first two links are referrals btw) I just wanted to share with you where a lot of my online time has been spent lately :)

My most recent deal was from American Eagle.

American Eagle and Aerie clearance is an additional 30% off in your cart. When you purchase any 3 items you also get free shipping. There is a code for $10 off of a $35 purchase (78865547) and a code for 15% off of your entire order (either 65023617 [Exp. 01/20] or 35476511). The codes cannot be combined, but you can try both in your cart and see what gives you the best price. The free shipping will be automatically deducted when you have 3 or more items in your cart.

I got these New Balance Cross Trainers, and 3 other small fill in items (ahem) for $27 using the $10 off of $35 code.The shoes alone were originally $64.50. I think it was a pretty sweet deal...

If you are in need of a new pair of shoes for the gym and wear a size 6 or 6.5 you should definitely check this out. There are lots of other cold weather clothes on clearance too, so you should be able to find something great!

So, are you a bargain shopper? Do you have any tips or suggestions that would help fuel the fire (not that I need it).

Blog Sweep

2011-01-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

I was following 216 blogs.

I'm now following 34.

My goal was 15.

Ehhh, close enough.

Catching up with my favorite blogs has been nearly impossible recently, as it feels like I am always skipping past stuff that I don't really read so I finally broke down and decided to clean house.
It feels nice, real nice.

I would suggest you do the same.

Even if I don't make the cut.

My feelings won't be too hurt...

Promise

*Sidenote: I was a little delete happy and now I am thinking that I probably deleted some of my favorite blogs. If you realize that you lost a follower and you think it might be me, leave a comment or send an email and I will re-add you. If I have never read your blog but you want me to check it out, let me know and I will follow you too!*

See you tommorrow friends!

Oops!

2011-01-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

So, I kinda sorta already failed at my whole "Post Everyday in January," resolution. But I have a good reason. I was sick...like, left work early sick. Luckily, I am feeling mostly better today. Not so luckily, I am stuck at work.

Life has kinda been just trucking along...

My great grandma came home from the nursing home where she was receiving rehab for a hip surgery. I am so happy that she is back home again! She has really helped me through so much of the past two difficult years. She has always been someone that I can talk to and confide in and I am beyond thrilled that she is well on the road to recovery.

I have been trying to motivate myself a little more. I have straigtened my hair like 3 days this week which is really good for me. I know it seems silly, but I feel sooo much better about myself when my hair is done, and actually taking the time to do it is an accomplishment for me. I bought a book, and I have started reading it... (This, if you are curious.)

I am also finally really working on my grad school applications...

Like I said, just trucking along...

Special Appearance

2011-01-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

It's Me!

On my own blog.

Go figure.

This is a random mom's side of the family Christmas picture.

We're kind of random, but love makes a family, right?

Last Year's Resolutions (aka I Suck) and a Free Biscuit

2011-01-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

Last year I got a little...ambitious...with the whole new years resolution thing.

I said, hey, why have 1 when I can have 101.

Seriously, can anyone tell me what I was thinking?

When I look back on those resolutions, I realize that I have accomplished probably...10 things on the list?

Not so awesome.

I still love the idea of a 101 in 1001 challenge, but I am wondering if I need to revamp the list, or if maybe it is just unrealistic.

I wonder why we, people in general, set so many goals for ourselves that we don't meet. I mean, nothing is our way but ourselves right? What makes it so hard to pick up that book, hit the gym, wear the make up, save the dollar, mop the floors, save the kitten, make it to church and so on and so forth.

I don't get it.

Maybe we all need to resolve to be more resolved.

Or maybe we should just say eff it and eat a free spicy chicken biscuit.

Life's weird.

The Year of Me

2011-01-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

2009 was The Year of Gemma. Two years ago tomorrow, I came face to face with the little pink line that would change my life forever. (This happened in the bathroom at the grocery store, but that is a story for another time.) My 2009 was spent growing this baby, accepting this baby, meeting this baby, and learning how to care for this baby, this baby I wasn't quite sure I was ready to have. (Or maybe I was quite sure I wasn't ready to have this baby.) The whole of my 2009 revolved around Her.

2010 was The Year of Us. Gemma and I. Our own little two person family. I really learned how to be a mother to this child and in turn she grew to love and trust me. My love for her is unexpected and special. Looking at her is like looking at the best parts of myself. It has been a hard year. An exhausting year. A year that I sometimes didn't want to keep trudging through. All of the struggles of 2010 were worth it though, because 2010 made Gemma and I an Us.

I have decided that 2010 will the year of Me. Obviously I am going to keep loving Gemma, caring for Gemma, and being the best mama that I know how, but I also want to turn back some of my life's focus onto myself. I want to start graduate school. I want to take care of my body. I want to have fun. I want to get to know this girl who has changed so much in 2 years that she hardly recognizes herself. I want to spend 2011 working on Me.

2011 New Years Resolutions

Get Accepted to Grad School OR Come Up with a Plan B

Weigh 125 by my 25th Birthday (June 26th)

Blog Everyday in January (Except on My Weekends Off)

Do Other Things that Make Me Happy, Bring Me Towards My Goals, and Help Me Find Myself Again

By this time next year I want to be my very best self.

Who knows, 2012 could be the year of Him.

Hey Homies!

2010-12-30T21:05:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to say, I'm around. And alive.

Gemma is a wild child.

I'll be back for real, soon.

Pinky promise this time!

Please don't leave me.

xoxoxo,

Kacie

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T21:16:00.000-08:00

Congrats!

2010-12-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Liz of Quiltz n' Hoez, the winner of the first official And Baby Makes Two CSN giveaway. Happy shopping!

Also, many thanks to all of you who entered!

Mobile Upload # 1 and a Reminder!

2010-12-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

Isn't she cute?

Isn't the picture quality horrible?

Oh, well.

This was taken at Gemma's 15 month appointment on the 3rd. Gemma is tall and skinny at 31.something I forgot inches and 20 pounds and 1 ounce. She is in the 75th percentile for height and 10th percentile for weight.

As I have said before, she is not built like her mama.

I took 14 and 15 month pictures, but still haven't gotten around to uploading them here. Soon, hopefully?

Anywho, just wanted to share this cuteness and remind you to enter my giveaway! You have a little less than 7 hours left, so get at it!

In a related announcement, due to this giveaway my blog will no longer be featuring BlogHer ads. This opens me up to host more giveaways in the future, so where I don't plan on turning this into a giveaway blog, I would love to host something if anyone out there is is interested!

Take care, and stay warm my blog buddies!

Things That Make Me Happy

2010-12-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit of a Negative Nancy. In my every day life that is. I haven't been blogging much because I am pretty sure all I would come up with are a bunch of vents and rants and to be completely honest...

It's not that bad.

Sure, things feel a little...messy...in general now.

Things that are making me happy right now:

Gemma. Duh. If I remember I will upload a photo of her and all her toddling glory when I get off of work. She is seriously a handful lately but I am so happy to have her sweet presence in my life.

The Sing Off. Watch now and thank me later. This show is so. good. I am not a Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, America's Got Talent (and so on and so forth) fan, and I love this! The music is actually really enjoyable. LOVE IT!

My new phone.

Yes, I'm shallow. I downgraded phones when i was pregnant and I am so happy to have a smart phone again. I am welcoming myself back to 2010!

DIY holiday gift ideas. I am finding TONS of economical and fun looking gifts to make for the family this year. Seriously, the hardest part is going to be narrowing down and choosing only a few to do. Right now I am thinking Malted Hot Cocoa Mix, Tile Coasters, Cinnamon Applesauce Ornaments, and these sweet little Mice Ornaments. All of these look super easy and don't require too many supplies, so should be fun.

Oh, yeah, my $45 CSN Stores promo code giveaway makes me happy too!

Remember folks, " Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Feel free to share what makes you happy. But only if it makes you happy. To share. Does that make sense?

And enter the giveaway already, darn it!

45$ CSN Giveaway!

2010-12-05T19:48:00.000-08:00

Big news...

I'm finished Christmas shopping! Do you want to know where I went to finish up?

CSN Stores. CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from stylish furniture, leather messenger bags, or great cookware! You can definitely find something for everyone on your list. I think Gemma is going to LOVE the Bilibo I picked out for her!

Isn't it cool looking?

The great thing about CSN is you can shop for the kids AND the adults on your list all in one place. I know I have already mentioned that they have something for everyone on your list, but seriously, for me, that is the best part. No more store to store or even site to site...CSN Stores has you covered!

I am honored today to be able to spread around a little holiday love and offer a one-time-use $45 CSN Stores promotional code to one of my lucky readers. This would be awesome for a last minute gift or even to treat yourself to something Santa forgot to bring!

To enter the giveaway:

MANDATORY ENTRY:

Tell me how you would spend your $45 at CSN Stores

EXTRA ENTRIES:

* Become a follower of my blog or comment if you already are (1 entry)

* Become a fan of CSN on Facebook (1 entry)

* Follow CSN on Twitter (1 entry)

* Blog about this giveaway and leave me a comment with a link (3 entries)

*Share a favorite holiday shopping memory (1 entry)

This giveaway will end Monday, December 13 at 11:59 EST. The winner will be chosen via random number generator and will be notified via email of their win. Please be sure to include your email if it is not publicly available in your profile so that I can notify you of your win. The winner will have 48 hours to respond to the email before a new winner is chosen.

Good luck, happy holidays, and have an awesome week!

Caught Up

2010-11-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

Did you go Black Friday Shopping?

I did. Now, I didn't go at midnight or anything, but when Gemma and I woke up we got together with my brother's girlfriend and headed out.

Do you wanna know what I bought?

A bra, a pair of jeans, and a winter hat for my cousin's baby.

Later that day, at work, I felt bad for not spending much, went on to the Carter's website and dropped $40 on couple of outfits. The outfits are cute, but certainly nothing I (well, Gemma) couldn't live without. Even though she didn't really need them, I justified telling myself what a great deal it was, and bought it anyway.

I am caught up in holiday consumerism.

I wanna buy, buy, buy...and then buy some more.

I have spent at least $200 on Gemma already, and I don't feel finished? Why? I'm not sure. I guess I am feeling the pressure of feeling like I "should" do as much as possible...but I am making it impossible on myself. I am struggling with bills for the first time in months and seriously...

I just.can't.do.it.any.more.

I'm not particularly religious at this point in my life...I am still figuring out what I believe...but I still feel like Christmas should be about something more than THIS. It should be about family and friends and happiness and love and all of that cheesy stuff.

We are creating a cycle of buy, buy, buy...want, want, want. Instead of focusing on starting family traditions for Gemma and I, I have been focusing on what I want to get her and what gifts I want.

I'm so caught up.

But I'm over it.

I'm waving the white flag.

Does anyone have any tips for NOT getting caught up in the material aspect of the holidays?

My "Specialty"

2010-11-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

Each year for Thanksgiving there are certain dishes that can't be missed.

My daddy's ham.

Aunt Kelly's gravy.

Those yummy rolls that my uncle picks up at the grocery store.

Everyone has their specialty.

My specialty is sweet potato casserole.

Just like your grandma used to make.

If your grandma likes lots of butter and those mini-marshmallow things.

Now I know that good ol' sweet potato casserole has fallen out of vogue, and I guess it is rightly so. Sweet potatoes are awfully delicious in their purest form, and I am sure there are lots of other tasty (probably tastier) ways to dress them up. Plus, almost anything else would be a lot more healthy.

But sweet potato casserole is my specialty.

And each year healthfulness, taste, and food snobbery are tossed out in favor of tradition that runs soul deep.

My "recipe"

A couple of cans (yes, cans!) of the sweet potatoes that look like this:

Warmed and then whipped with butter, milk, and brown sugar.

Half is covered with pecans, pats of butter, and more brown sugar...

And the other half is covered in...

Then, it is thrown in the oven at 350 degrees or so, until the marshmallows are brown and it looks "right."

Yummm!

It might not be fancy...

Heck, it might not even be food.

But it tastes just like Thanksgiving at Home.

What's your specialty?

Date

2010-11-22T14:51:00.000-08:00

I went on my first post-baby "date" this weekend.

The quotation marks are because it wasn't a date-date, so much as a set up double-date thing.

It went okay I guess.

We bowled 2 games. My mom was a reluctant sitter. I had to rush home.

Lame.

I spend a lot of time on here lamenting Gemma's milestones...

That "date" was a milestone for me.

Whether or not we go out again, I took my first step towards...

towards...

towards...

well, I'm not sure. But something different. Something new.

This little girl is growing up.

WWYD? Alternative Title: I'm a Broke Single Mom, yo

2010-11-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

Gemma's Big Present this year is going to be this:

It's a play kitchen (duh).

On Amazon right now, this kitchen is listed at $122.54 (retail price of $199.00, prices elsewhere on the web are aound $150.00-$160.00) I almost have enough swagbucks for another 5$ Amazon giftcard, so if I buy it with this paycheck, I will probably pay $112.34. Good deal right.

But...

I want to go shopping on Black Friday. I mean, there isn't anything I have seen in the ads that I HAVE to have, but I wanna go, and I want to have money to spend. If I buy the play kitchen I might be able to scrounge up $50 bucks to spend, and I am not even sure I would have that. So, I am thinking, maybe I should wait on the play kitchen... I might even be able to rack up another $5.00 or even $10.00 in Amazon giftcards from swagbucks, so that would bring the price down even more,

but...

what if the price goes up or what if Amazon sells out? Then, I would have to find some place and else, and pay potentially $40.00-$50.00 more than I would have to if I bought it sooner.

But...

It could still be on sale right? (this would be 2 weeks from this Friday, when I get paid) And I really wanna go Black Friday shopping

So...

WWYD?

p.s. I promise my next post will be legit...or a little more legit at least.

Probably.

Maybe.

I'll try okay, geesh...

Rain, Rain

2010-11-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am the kind of person who gives into their own whims.

Often.

Like today.

I am also the kind of person who functions best with average weather.

Too nice or too icky of a day both have a tendency to render me useless.

Or completely lazy at least.

(Isn't getting to know me fun?)

Today I had an appointment, so I had a sitter lined up for Gemma.

And it it was raining. Lots. Ugh.

And I was supposed to have to go to this appointment. Like, drive there. And then drive back.

And then...

on a whim...

I dropped Gemma off at the sitters...

turned the car back around...

and went home.

I cleaned house all day, and discovered Dead Like Me on Netflix.

Sometimes, impulsivity is a good thing.

Halloween and Such

2010-11-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this picture kind of busts me...

This wasn't taken Halloween. This was actually the costume preview for the grandparents. Unfortunately, I am having camera issues so all of my Halloween 2010 pictures are going to be stolen off of other people's facebook pages.

Awesome.

In case you are wondering, from left to right, we have Gemma as a duck, my cousin's baby Delia as a mouse, and my little sister Abby as a bumble bee.

Cuteness.

Here is Gemma last year in the same mouse costume that baby D was rocking this year...

Halloween day was actually pretty fun! I had to work, but I requested to get off at noon so I could go home and catch a quick nap so that I would feel up for trick or treating and stuff. When I started thinking about the prospect of baby free time (Gemma was going to stay at the sitter until 3) I decided that I couldn't waste it on sleep and went and got a haircut instead :) It isn't anything very drastic, but my hair finally has shape again and it looks sooooo much healthier.

Halloween night we went to my aunt and uncle's house, just like last year. My aunt made jambalaya and chili and it was so yummy! Gemma went trick or treating for the first time. It was fun, but I never realized how many people don't hand out candy! There were like 5 people NOT giving candy out for every 1 that was.

Bummer.

Wanna know what is not a bummer?

This picture :)

For some reason, I find it funny.

Easily amused I guess.

How was your Halloween?

I Would Rather Be Sleeping...

2010-10-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

Than doing pretty much anything else right now. But alas, I am working.

I am still not feeling particularly chatty, but the only way to get back into the habit of blogging is to do it, right?

My dad leaves for work around 4:30 a.m., and for some reason I woke up around the time he was leaving and I have been up since then. I know some people can do totally well with 5 hours of sleep but my friends, I am not one of them. I am a girl who does best with 7-8 hours no more or no less. I am pretty particular (in a spectacularly average way) about that I guess.

Today I had an appointment with my therapist. I am really hopeful that she will help me sort through all of the crazy that is floating around in my brain. I like to talk about myself, so it is actually kind of enjoyable for me.

I am still not working on grad school apps the way I should. This weekend. I am promising blog land, and more importantly myself.

I think I might wrap up. Sorry. I know this post probably wasn't very useful or entertaining, but I've got to warm the ol' engine up ya know :)

Take care y'all!

All Over

2010-10-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm at work. I am here for another hour still, and I thought that I had exhausted all of my internet/time-wasting options and then I remembered I had a blog.

Awesome.

Things have been going okay for me. I have been taking medication for my anxiety for about 2 weeks now, and last week I began seeing a therapist. Is therapist the right word? Technically, she is a clinical social worker. Her office is in an old Victorian house, and I have to drive up a mountain to get there. The place is about an hour away, which means I am going to have to juggle childcare for 4 hours once a week. Not easy, but doable I guess.

In less crazy news, I am pretty excited for Halloween! I work over the weekend but luckily Halloween is a nighttime holiday anyway. Gemma's costume *quacks* me up (hint hint). I was hoping she would be confidently walking, but it looks like she isn't quite there yet, although we are seeing more and more steps each day.

Woo Hoo to that!

Work is work. Grad school applications seem harder than I anticipated. I think the academic part of my brain has already begun to atrophy. I am having a hard time figuring out how to approach the essay questions, which is totally NOT like me. I am used to having too much to say with those kinds of prompts. Hopefully it will come to me. If not, I am gonna have to go after it I guess.

Hmm...maybe that would be better use of my free computer time?

Maybe?

How've you guys been? I miss my blogging buddies :)

Anxious

2010-10-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Things have once again fallen a little silent here.

Sorry.

I have been so stuck inside my head lately, and there hasn't been much reflection that has made it out. Plus, my camera is broke too, so there hasn't even really been the option of a few cute pics slapped up with a couple of captions. I hope this explains my silence, at least a little bit.

I was always an anxious kid growing up. I remember going to bed at night, waiting for the world to end. My grandma used to bring me with her to a church and the end of the world was brought up weekly. Where our fellow churchgoers actually seemed excited about the prospect, I was absolutely TERRIFIED. Sounds of trains, or planes, or even dogs barking at night would cause my body to tense up and my breath to catch...each time I would wonder, is this it? I remember calculating that if the world would end in 2000, then I would live to 13... These thoughts began to consume me. I thought about the end of the world so often that it made it into my dreams. The thoughts would get so overwhelming that I would upset myself to the point of vomiting on a somewhat regular basis. I was referred to specialists for my stomach and I had to speak with a counselor at school regarding my "worrying."

Recently, the worry has come back. I am no longer convinced that the world is going to end, but there are thoughts that make me just as upset that have been churning around in my brain lately. Most people think unhappy thoughts and then are able to let them go, but for me, the thoughts get stuck and even grow and grow into something much bigger and much more consuming. The coping mechanism that is supposed to step in and quiet those fears simply is broken in me. I can't do it.

So, I reached out for help.I have been given medicine that will hopefully get me back on track.

I have OCD.

Sometimes, it makes me anxious.

13 Months

2010-09-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

So...I wasn't sure if I was going to keep doing this or not...

but then, I decided...what the heck!

I will still be taking pictures, and posting (and I will still be late, obviously). The only real difference is that I am going to be a little more free flow-y with what I write. It seems that the milestones come all at once now, and that there are breaks in between, unlike when Gemma was new baby and it seemed like she was a new person everyday.

So let's see...what do I want to remember about Gemma at 13 months old.

She has 6 teeth.

She say Mama suuuper clearly now. Too cute.

She says some other words too.

The cutest thing I have seen her do recently is when she started barking when the dogs were barking.

Literally, too freakin' cute.

Gemma has started to become a picky eater. Apparently cottage cheese and mashed cauliflower are a no-go, among other things.

Grilled cheese is the bomb though, as are crackers, yogurt, and bananas.

She is allergic to cinnamon.

(this is my favorite from this month's "shoot")

Gemma is incredibly loving...on her own terms. Just today she was holding me, hugging me, kissing me. I felt like my heart was going to explode.

In a good way.

To be completely honest though, most of her kisses are saved for the dogs and random inanimate objects.

Gemma took her first steps last Saturday night. Only a few, but they were steps. She was holding onto a book and I guess she didn't realize she was walking on her own. It was awesome.

Other things...

Her hair is long enough to put in a little pebbles do.

She lets me do that sometimes.

She hates socks.

Still loves pajanimals.

She STILL nurses a couple of times a day....even though I SWORE I would be done the second she turned 1.

This makes me happy and not so happy.

And for flashback purposes, here is a picture of Gemma a year ago.

and a little happier...

Holy Crap...what a difference a year has made.

For us both.

Gemma, I love you forever and always,

Mama

Today Is Monday

2010-09-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Last week, I said Happy Wednesday on Monday.

WTH?

Obviously, I need help.

And so does Gemma's hair.

Don't babies eat gross?

Here's to remembering what day it is for the rest of the week.

At least.

I'm Awesome

2010-09-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

My sister went back to school. Almost 4 weeks ago actually. Now that she has gone back, Gemma and I are back to being by ourselves everyday.

This is both good and bad.

It is good because I am pushing myself to get out and find friends. Even though my sister and I fought like cats and dogs (yep, I'm mature...and awesome) being around her was still not being alone, ya know? So now that she is gone, and Gemma is becoming more and more her own little person every day, I have decided it is time for both Gemma and I to make friends. Just this week we have scheduled a Mommy & Me excercise class, a MOMS group open house, toddler story time at the library, AND a picnic. This is definitely progress for us. Definitely.

(just because she is cute, a picture from the library last week)

The bad part is...I'm slacking. With nobody to hold me accountable, I am not quite as strict about things as I used to be.

Recent offenses:

Feeding Gemma chicken nuggets. (From McDonald's).
Allowing Gemma to watch a DVR'd copy La La Lullaby (it is like 2 or 3 minutes long), with my dad, 5 times in a row so that I can eat dinner.
Turning the t.v. on Sprout for long enough to put her hair in a pony tail.
Forgetting to wash clothes the night before our exercise thing today and dressing Gemma in her birthday outfit and wearing a hard letter sorority shirt myself.
Not asking the sitter to stop when she tells me that she is letting Gemma drink juice at her house, even though all I give her is milk and water.

Yep...I suck...these are my confessions.

Oh, and yesterday I smoked a cigarette! Just one, and it was my first in almost 2 years.

Don't tell anyone, please!

Like I said...I'm awesome.

P.S. The nuggets were a one time thing, PROMISE!

My Life

2010-09-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

In one picture...

and ten words...

Messy

Huggy

Girly

Silly

Funny

Sleepy

Dusty

Happy

Shoe-y

Lovely

Happy Wednesday Y'all!

Example 3,783 That I Have No Life or New Television Shows I Am Excited About For Fall

2010-09-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, I didn't watch T.V.. Ever. I was always busy, there was always something better to do, and really...what's worth watching anyway.

And then...

I moved home. Had a baby. Got the most antisocial job ever.

(Y'all know that part.)

I run, run, run until I get home at about 9:30 every night. By 10:00 or so Gems is in bed.

Then I'm trapped.

Surprisingly (?) single motherhood ain't good for the social life. (And leaving baby at home in bed alone is frowned upon too.) So, I'm stuck. At home. Even worse, I am stuck IN BED because...well, I still co-sleep and I don't know how to stop.

Awesome.

All this buildup is basically just to say I WATCH A WHOLE LOTTA T.V. NOW!

A lot.

So much T.V. in fact, that the other day while I was bored at work, I came up with a D.V.R. schedule for the upcoming fall season. Yes, seriously. I was bored at work though, gimme a break. While searching the premier dates of my old favorites, I found some new shows I am excited about, and thought I would share with you.

Here goes, finally!

Shows I will be checking out Fall 2010:

Mike & Molly-Monday 8:30, CBS

CBS Says: "MIKE & MOLLY is a comedy about a working class Chicago couple who find love at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting."

I Say: Sounds cute, right? And hello Sookie! Gilmore Girls fans have missed you =)

Raising Hope and Running Wilde-Tuesday 9:00 and 9:30, FOX

FOX Says (of Raising Hope): "RAISING HOPE is a new single-camera family comedy from Emmy Award winner Greg Garcia that follows the Chance family as they find themselves adding an unexpected new member into their already terribly flawed household."

I Say (of Raising Hope): Admittedly, I will checking this one out for the whole unexpected baby factor. Hopefully the comedy doesn't get too...low brow...I'm all for a little white trash humor, but there is definitely a thing as too much!

FOX Says (of Running Wilde): A romantic comedy starring Will Arnett as Steve Wilde, a filthy-rich, immature playboy trying desperately to win (or buy) the heart of his childhood sweetheart Emmy Kadubic, the uber liberal humanitarian who got away-all told through the perspective of a 12-year old girl.

I Say (of Running Wilde): I have soft spot for romantic comedies, bad boys, and uber liberal humanitarians so this sounds like something I would totally like. I wasn't really a Keri Russell fan in her Felicity days, but maybe as an older, more sophisticated, and full of soft-spots viewer I might change my tune.

Last but not least...

My Generation-Thursday 8:00, ABC

ABC Says: "What a difference ten years can make. In 2000, a documentary crew follows a disparate group of high schoolers from Greenbelt High School in Austin, TX as they prepare for graduation, then revisits these former classmates ten years later as they return home to rediscover that just because they're not where they planned doesn't mean they're not right where they need to be."

I Say: I think that this is a really interesting concept, and with lots of character there are lots of possibilities for good t.v. drama. Also, I think shows with people who are close to your own age are instantly more relate-able. With this show, the relate-ability (is that a word?) might be the downfall. I'm not sure I can commiserate about not being where I imagined myself to be in life for an entire season...unless the show manages to strike the balance between offering a true and accurate portrayal of post grad life while still offering some hope and inspiration.

So what shows are you going to be checking out this fall? Make sure you set your DVR's, as most television shows premier this week.

***Note, I am in the Eastern time zone, so check your local listings as times may vary***

Heaven

2010-09-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for it being almost fall...

unbearable heat, humidity, and daily thunderstorms have finally been replaced with warm breezy days.

Heaven.

And perfect for the park.

My baby is looking less baby and more toddler everyday.

If she isn't walking she can't officially be a toddler, right?

There are so many sweet things about Gemma right now.

I'm a sucker for her hugs and kisses...

and her sweet little words.

She's been mimicking everything we say lately.

And I am finally starting to hear Mama more often than when she's upset.

She pulls up on the dogs' backs and tries to love on them too.

Like I said...she's a sweet girl.

When we go to the grocery store, or any store for that matter...

she giggles with anyone making eye contact with her,

and ya know...babies (toddlers?) get a whole lot of attention when they're out...

so there are LOTS of giggles.

Cashiers can't get over how HAPPY she is.

I can't get over how HAPPY she is.

Until I try to brush her hair.

And then...

Well...she's not that HAPPY.

But most of the time...

Heaven.

This and That

2010-09-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

Because I want to, here is some of the randomness that is on my mind right now...

Last night, while I was driving home from work, there was a bad car accident...all that I could gather was that one car was flipped over (well, I saw that,) and that a passenger from one of the vehicles had been ejected. I work on old country roads, so there are only two lanes, and I was stuck for a little over an hour waiting for them to clear things up. I couldn't let myself be frustrated over the wait, because I was staring straight at the reality of having it so much worse.

I'm starting to get excited for Halloween. Just a little bit. Yes, it is almost 2 months away, but with the birthday party being over and done I need something to look forward too, right? I bought this dress for Gemma yesterday, while I was at work:

Cute right? Here's the link if you are interested.

Have you signed up for Swagbucks yet? Swagbucks is a neat-o site, that gives you "bucks" for things like using their search engine, and taking daily polls. You can then use these "bucks" for neat prizes. I have only been doing it a month or so, and I have already earned a gift card! If you are interested, leave a comment or email me for more questions. If you are ready to sign up, use my referral link, and help a sista out! (By using my referral, I will get points when you search too! However, I can't like track what you are doing or anything, so no worries!)

I finally took Gemma to story time today! I also met up with an old friend from high school there who has a little boy, and afterwards we all went and got lunch and ice creams together. I think Gemma had fun. She was crawling around during story time though, trying to kiss the other little kiddos. Adorable but distracting. I felt like I was the mama of the wild child!

And my big news for the day...

I think I might know what I want to do with my life...

Social Work.

I've finally decided that I would rather be happy and poor than...well, sad and poor because I couldn't figure out anything else I can really see myself doing for the rest of my life anyway. I have it narrowed down to two schools that I will be applying to, and hopefully I can get the ball rolling soon. I am so, so, so happy to have a little direction. Finally. The crazy part, is I have sort have known this is what I wanted to do all along. The moral of the story is don't fight it.

I feel like that is a good, postitive note to end on. Plus, I'm at work so I should be working, right?

Ohhh....

Big P.S. (Does that sound a little dirty to you too?)

America's Next Top Model starts tonight. I'm a little excited.

Small P.S. (He He)

I promise, I wasn't purposefully trying to not write segues from one paragraph to the next. I was trying to make a list of bullet points, and I didn't like the way the formatting was looking...so, yeah...

Bad Pictures/Good Party

2010-09-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

I finally got the motivation to get the birthday pictures off of my almost dead camera. After seeing these pictures, I am pretty sure my camera got pissed at its own life and just decided to quit working. Jerk. I mean, the pictures aren't great, but c'mon.

This is what I've got:

These are the ONLY two shots I got for her monthly "photo shoot." Usually, I get about 50 ;). With all of the craziness of party planning, it got late, she got grumpy, and I got this:

and this:

The next day, the day of her party, was equally crazy. I swear, I was so exhausted I was in a haze the entire time. I am hoping someone else got pictures because the following are pretty much the best of what I got.

This was a banner that I made with printables that came with her invitation package, and then her monthly pictures, each printed out and hung with a hot pink clothes pin. The pictures I used were mostly ones that I shared on this blog! Above it, are the little favor buckets (I think only one of which I ended up giving out...I kept forgetting as people left!) This was snapped before the guests started arriving, so the gifts are just those from my parents/grandparents and I. (and yes, those are cigs. They're my dad's. Ick!)

Here is a strange picture of my cake table. I added a few extra little bowls of candy and treats as well. In the back, I have baggies filled with baby Goldfish, and party blowers in the plastic cups. You can also kind of see a picture of Gemma on the table. Her newborn picture was there. For the tables where guests sat (which I didn't get a picture of!) I had alternating pink and blue table cloths and each had a picture taken from a different month, and then I scattered painted seashells on the table. It was cute, and the guests took all of the pictures as party favors.

(I guess that makes up for the buckets!)

Here is a close up of the cake. Confession #1: I didn't love it. Someone else made it though, and I didn't see it until the day of the party. Oh well I guess. Confession #2: I didn't even get to try one bite! I did hear it was delicious though...

So, we ate lunch first. I had a taco bar with chicken, beef, and 2 types of bean tacos. Yum.

Next was presents. There are lots of pictures of my backside handing Gemma gifts. This one isn't one of those:

Next, was cake! I was excited/nervous for this part. Gemma was already tired and cranky, (she had napped too early) but I think she had fun...for a little bit at least.

Here, she wasn't really sure what to do...or what she was allowed to do...

But, eventually, she got the hang of it:

After she had done her dirty work on part of the cake, I figured she had done enough damage. I think she was pretty wired/exhausted/done too.

Overall, it was an awesome experience.

Next year, we're going out for pizza!

Getting to Know ME!...Under the Sea?

2010-09-05T05:16:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday...blah blah blah...

I'm working...blah blah blah...

Let's have fun with the MannLand5...blah blah blah...

1. Do you like seafood?

Yes ma'am. Shrimp, scallops, oysters, crabs...yum! The only thing I don't really like is mussels, or clams that are not fried. Being raised not too far from Maryland my very favorite is:

With lots of:

and:

2. Are mermaids hot?

Umm, no. I think they are cute though. Really cute actually. The theme for Gemma's birthday party was Mermaids!

3. Have you swam in the ocean?

Yep. I did one of those "swim with the stingrays" excursions once, when I was on a cruise. When I am at the beach though, I sort of splash by the shore more than swim in the ocean.

4. If you got stung by a jellyfish, would you let a stranger pee on you?

Ugh. I don't know what the pain is like, so I can't really say! Either way, I am sure I would try to...umm... take care of it myself, first.

5. Have you ever pee'd in the ocean?

Not that I can recall.

6. Can you make a cute fish face? (Show a pic..if you want)

I can make a fish face. I don't think it is very cute though. I look more like this:

Now if you want to see a cute fish face:

7. When you see the lobster tank at the grocery store do you just have this overwhelming urge to set them free or cook them up?

Neither. I usually walk past the tank without any thoughts of them at all. Where is my humanity? (Or lobsterity?)

8. Are you afraid of sharks?

Short answer, yes. Yes I am.

Happy 12 Months and 1 Week Gemma!

2010-09-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, I took 2 whole pictures of Gemma at 12 months old.

But my camera is broken.

Seriously. It broke the day after her big shindig.

At some point (soon) I will get the pictures off of the memory stick on the desktop. Until then, I want to at least get my monthly post done before she is 13 months old!

This month has been nuts. I mentioned recently (in my 11 months post maybe?) that my baby was becoming a toddler...

ain't that the truth!

This month Gemma has learned all kinds of sweet toddler things. She climbs things. Like tables and stairs and clothes baskets. She gives me sweet baby kisses, often more slobbery than I want them to be. She feeds her breakfast to the dog, sings along to her favorite song, and rocks out to the radio. She's no big girl, but she's close(r).

As far as the sleeping stuff this month...eh. You sleep. With me. You are down to only one nap some days, which I actually kind of like because it will free up more of our days together.

At your 1 year appointment you weighed 18 pounds and 9 ounces and you were 29.65" long. Your head circumference was like 17 maybe? You wear size 12 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

I get comments on your coloring pretty often. You have blonde curls and big brown eyes. Today (9/2) was actually the very first day I put your hair in a ponytail. It is finally getting long again!!!

We are 100 percent off of baby food and formula now! I can't believe it. I have started sending dinner for you to the sitter that doesn't come in a jar. I fed you chicken nuggets the other day when I was busy, and French fries the day before yesterday. I am usually so good about feeding you good things, so I felt the need to confess...and let you know I am sorry about that!

Let's see...what else...you have 6 teeth!

Gosh baby, this year has been a whirlwind. I can remember one year seeming so far away, and now we're here and...well, its been a year. Ups and downs, hugs and kisses, tears and giggles. With every ounce you've gained or milestone you have reached, I have gained something too. You have such a sweet little personality and I am really looking forward to see how that blossoms in the coming year.

It's been hard but worth it.

Totally worth it.

Love ya Snooks.

Forever and always...

Mama

8/30/2010

2010-08-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

I went to the Sheriff's office this morning, to make sure I had Gemma's car seat installed properly (rear-facing of course). Next, it was time for Gemma's well-baby visit (18 pounds, 9 ounces and 29.65" long.) She fell asleep while we waited in the office for two hours and then awoke to being poked, prodded and eventually receiving 3 shots in her sweet little baby thighs.

Lovely.

They also wanted to have her blood drawn today. That would have been another office, another wait, and another jab in the sweet little baby thighs (or arm maybe?) Mama bear stepped in and said it ain't happenin'...today at least...and we were left for home, with only one thing on our minds.

(a nap)

We got home around 1 and I fell asleep right with her. We woke at 4, and scrambled so that I could make it to work on time.

Crap.

I forgot my camera. So pictures of the birthday girl and her birthday bash will have to wait. (Fair warning, there aren't many. Turns out just throwing the birthday bash is a total time suck that interupts picture taking opportunities.)

So tomorrow hopefully, I will tell you about my one year old.

Today, we took a nap.

1

2010-08-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

In a little less than an hour, it will be my Gemma's birthday.

In a little less than 16 hours, she will have been here for a whole year.

There are so many things that I could write about today.

How much she's grown. How much I have grown. How much I love her. How fast it has all gone. How excited I am for things to come.

To be honest, you've probably read that post before...am I right?

I could show you her month to month pictures, but you can go back through my archives and look for yourself.

Yep, I'm lazy.

I could tell you the birth story that I never posted.

But I have forgotten.

(except, I haven't forgotten the nurse who said I looked like Ugly Betty "but not ugly," or the pain of an epidural that DID NOT WORK.)

And you don't want to hear about my cervix anyway right?

If you do, I reserve the right to judge you...creep.

I could tell you about my plans for today.

I think today is going to be a day spent with hugs and kisses, last minute party preparations, and maybe an ice cream cone.

But there isn't too much else to say about a day that hasn't happened yet.

Okay...

So maybe I will tell you that I love her.

A lot.

And here is just one picture.

The first time I touched my Gemma.

And now...

she's 1.

Two Days Until Baby...Turns One (and she's a precious jewel)

2010-08-25T05:53:00.000-07:00

This week, we are celebrating all things Gemma.

(Yes, I realize it's already Wednesday and I am behind on life. Shhhh!)

I have already told you about how I chose Gemma's name. So often, when I tell people her name they will say, "Oh, that's different." Well I thought I would create a post to show those people, its not!

(Maybe in the future I will direct them to this blog post.)

A Parade of Gemmas

(In honor of my Gemma)

Gemma Ward

Australian Model

Alpha Coronae Borealis-Also Known by Traditional Name Gemma

A binary star in the constellation Corona Borealis. It is located about 75 light years from the Solar System.

Gemma Frisius

A physician, mathematician, cartographer, a somewhat confused philosopher and instrument maker.

A Gemma

parentIn botany, a Gemma is a single cell, or mass of cells, or a modified bud of tissue that detaches from the and develops into a new individual.

Gemma Galgani

Italian Saint. Patronage includes students, pharmacists, tuberculosis patients, love, hope, and spinal injury.

Like I said, I am so not original.

Here's Catherine Bell with her daughter Gemma.

And a clam named Gemma.

To be honest though...

there is only one Gemma for me.

She turns one in 2 days.

Getting to Know Me! (What Fun!)

2010-08-22T05:29:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday, and I am here at work so you know I am most definitely wasting time and participating in Getting to Know You (a.ka. Me. Or you if you play along too, I guess) with Keely @ MannLand5.

Without further adieu:

1. If you could host a Reality TV show, which one would it be?

Top Chef. Mostly just because I like to eat. How fun would it be to go to work, eat great food and sip wine, and then get to be a huge jerk about whatever you don't like? I'm thinking the answer to that is VERY fun!

2. Do you put your seatbelt on before or after you start the car?

Do people really pay attention to this stuff? Probably before.

3. Shave or hair removal cream?

Shave, baby. I am old school. Hair removal cream stuff can BURN!

4. What's your favorite feature in a house?

I am not really in a house hunting place in my life now, BUT, when I was younger, I always wanted one of those padded storage benches that sits in a window. I always thought it would be great to have a seat like that, so I could sit and read books. I was (am?) a huge nerd. I think I got the idea from Full House. I also got the idea of wanting to have my room in the bathroom and sleeping in the bathtub from Full House, but I digress.

5. What is your favorite "Fall" scent?

Scents make me more nostagic than any other sense. I really love the smell of the leaves combined with the smell of others' wood burning stoves. I also love the smell of school supplies and new clothes for Fall. Oh, and Pumkin Spice Latte's of course!

6. What tv show are you looking forward to seeing the most this Fall??

So many! I am a total TV addict, and I have been missing my shows! I guess two of the ones I am most excited for would be:

and:

7. Personal Shopper or Personal Chef?

Personal shopper. I have no personal style, whatsoever. Oprah, do you wanna hook me up?

8. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of "Fall"?

Leaves. I'm an original, I know!

8 Days Until Baby...Turns One

2010-08-19T14:50:00.000-07:00

Remember when I told you here that my dear sweet Gemma had an unexplained fever and was not feeling so hot (well, actually she was REALLY hot, but ya know what I mean.)

Well, we got our explanation. After four feverish days, she woke up covered in spots. It kind of looked like this:

(this isn't Gemma btw)

Roseola. It is a basic childhood illness that I would Google and link for you, but I am sure that if I did that I would find the one website that would convince me that Gemma's face is going to fall off, and then I would have something else to worry too much about.

Poor babe (I am feeling sorry for her sickness, and her psychotic mama, not her face falling off, in case you were wondering.)

On the bright side, the rash only lasted a couple of days and upon its arrival Gemma's fever was gone and her spirits were much better.

See?

A relatively happy, rash free baby. (With 6 teeth!)

Today was a good day. It is beautiful outside, so Gemma and I went for a walk to pick up things to send with her for dinner at the babysitters. In a stunning show of creativity, I bought ground chicken, chicken breasts, chicken legs, and a measly sweet potato. (I do plan on sending her with fruits and veg, just the boring frozen ones we already have at home.)

Poor kid! If I keep this up she won't need the chicken cosume that I bought her for Halloween...

Anyone have any good ideas for simple yummy stuff that I could send to the sitter's for Gemma's dinner? I have found all kinds of cute ideas for lunch stuff, but I guess I just feel like dinner should be more...substantial. Does that make sense?

We also went to get my sister's car inspected. The rental car that I have had since our small wreck has run out, so I am car-less until this weekend when we go shopping for a replacement. My sister was recently given a car by my grandfather, but it is older than what I am used to, and much louder than what I am used to, so since the inspection was almost up we went to get it inspected so that I could feel okay with putting Gemma in it.

(Yes, I am seriously that paranoid!)

This post is beginning to make me yawn, so I guess I will go back to work (because that's more exciting???)

Bye Y'all!

10 Days Until Baby...Is One

2010-08-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned before, that before this blog was And Baby Makes Two it was 101 Days Until Baby; a literal countdown until Gemma was supposed to enter this world.

When I look back at the things I wrote then, only a year ago, it is surreal. I was a different person then. Younger. Not a mother. In some ways, much braver. Completely clueless. Overly optimisic. I read it and I miss myself, and at the same time have to try hard to remember me as that person.

What a difference a year makes.

In honor of being 10 days away from Gemma's birthday....

...pausing to let that one sink in...

I am going to repost what I wrote 8/19/2009; which was 10 days before Gemma's due date, and 10 days before she was born.

Oh, to reminisce...

"10 Days Until Baby"
Oh My GOODNESS!

10 Days.

That is like officially countdown worthy... I can't believe my due date is in a week and a half.
I would like to say it flew by or that it has dragged on forever...but honestly...it hasn't. Time passed, as it does, and now here I am.
WOW.
Ok, as that is beginning to sink on I think I will move on to the beach thing.
I had started a post about this last week but things got hectic and I was being long winded and taking to long to finish it so I never did. :)

So last Wednesday I ended up in the hospital with a Pre-Eclampsia scare. I had been feeling dizzy and swollen and strange so the doctor had me come in. My blood pressure was slightly elevated so they sent me to the hospital. My blood work and such came back fine. They noticed I was having a few contractions and noticed that I had dilated to 1 cm (my first bit of progress!) and then I was discharged since everything was okay. My doctor also told me not to go to the beach and to make an appointment for her in the middle of this week, canceling the appointment I had last Friday since she had just seen me in the hospital.

I came home and told my dad that I couldn't go to the beach, that was my decision, and that I was bummed about but would do what I had to do.
While this was happening I noticed the contractions that had been brought to my attention by the monitor at the hospital were continuing and felt stronger.

My mom called, and when I told her this she asked if I wanted to come stay the night with her at her house so she could keep an eye on me and make sure everything was okay.
Let me interupt myself to say my mom is somewhat of a drama queen. I mean that in the nicest way possible, and I am sure her intentions are good, it is just that sometimes her actions are extreme.
So when I got to my mom's house she told me to tell her when I was having these contractions so that we could time them. For about 2 hours I was having contractions every 5 minutes and they HURT. I was also having a TON of back pain and peeing every 3 minutes (my apologies for the TMI). My mom told me that I should go back into the hospital to be monitored.
I wasn't sure what to do. When I had left the hospital the nurse said come in with contractions 5 minutes apart but the doctor corrected her to say 3 contractions in 10 minutes... I knew these were only 5 minutes apart but with some prodding from my mom and my own building excitement I called L&D and asked them what to do. Of course, they gave me the standard answer of it is better safe than sorry, if I felt I needed to come in please do so, and so on and so forth.

That was basically all the encouragement I needed so I was off again. The contractions continued but there were no cervical changes and I was sent home.

This DEPRESSED me. Not that I have any huge desire for this baby to come super early (or early at all for that matter) but I didn't understand the pain for nothing. And I was sooo embarrassed.

Then I decided I would go to the beach, not worry about pregnancy or impending labor... I decided I would go and relax and just basically enjoy myself as much as possible.

Sunday morning we were off. I rode down with my dad and my sister. We made stops every hour and a half so that I could keep circulation going and such. I survived a 7 hour drive with only minimal swelling and I was so happy.

The first day went well, I read a book (this was a huge accomplishement for me, I haven't been able to finish a book all summer!), I went out on the ocean. The next day was good too... Swam in the pool, browsed through some shops. I was really happy about my decision.

Then somehow it was like a switch had been flipped. I started to feel really negative about being down there and wanted to be home. It was too hot, I felt like I couldn't participate much. I was afraid to walk around shops because I was afraid my water was going to break and I would be forced to deliever the baby in another state.

The thought of my mother not being there AND being with a strange doctor were way to much to handle. I got all emotional and started crying. For an hour or two there was a big debate about who could come pick me up from the beach. Even more crying. Eventually my dad (literally the best dad ever) decided he would take me home. I felt guilty but he told me to get over it and let's go.

We left at 8 p.m. and got home around 1:30 a.m. My dad and my sister stayed at the house for about 5 minutes and then were back on the road. I haven't talked to them yet today (I am assuming they are getting much needed sleep!) to see when they got back, but I am guessing it was somewhere around 7 this morning.

And now, here I am. I feel terrible about wasting people's time and energy. I wish I had of just listened to the doctor in the first place. I still feel like I would rather be at the beach than here but if the baby does come I am so relieved that I will be here...

I think coming back was the right thing to do.

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and I am interested to see what she has to say... I am still kind of hoping that she isn't born until Suday at least, so that my whole family will be here.

"After that, as bad as it sounds, I am all for her coming whenver she wants. I have heard that babies make a lot of progress between 37-39 weeks but I think at 39 weeks she should be pretty much perfect so by all means LO...

If you are ready...So am I... I think???

-10 Days Until Baby

P.S. I aplogize for discussing my cervix in this post.

P.P.S. The whole beach debacle was because family vacation was a week before my due date, and I wasn't sure whether or not I should go. I was nervous to leave, but didn't want to be home alone either.

P.P.P.S. I totally wasn't ready.

P.P.P.P.S. I also had a lot more time for looong blog posts ;)

Me Me Me Monday (the third)

2010-08-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

So, did you notice I avoided this last week?

Finding the me in single motherhood continues to prove difficult. Without a partner to defer to, I'm always "on." of course, all mothers experience that, but I think for us single moms it is harder.

I haven't gone to the gym. Haven't quit drinking soda. Haven't been watching what I eat.

I still believe that finding the time/energy/motivation to treat my body right is the first step that I need to take toward reclaiming myself. I'm not so sure what is blocking me. I have the resources I need, and I know that it is something I really want...

Maybe that is the key, is that I am not making what I want a priority. I am not sure that I even remember how to do that.

Any tips, suggestions?

Anyone want to tell me to just suck it up and do it? (I have a feeling that that is what needs to happen.) Will this be the Monday that I get a firm grip on my bootstraps?

I'm optimistic.

I'm optimistic.

I'm optimistic.

Fevers, Tantrums, and Rainy Days

2010-08-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

It's be a little quiet here this week. It has been quiet at home too. Well, sort of. It has been quiet if quiet means that you don't have any fun at all and just care for a flaming hot, fussy, almost one year old while watching Mr. Hollands Opus and eating steak flavored potato chips then all has been...quiet.

Starting Wednesday evening until about 10 a.m. this morning Gemma has been running a temperature that stayed around 101-102 degrees. Last night, it spiked to over 103, and I had a mini mommy meltdown but then came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was wait it out for morning, when I could call the pediatrician and go buy Motrin to give her in addition to the Tylenol she had been getting. Luckily, by 10 a.m. when we woke up (sooo late, oh my goodness!) her fever had begun to go down and by early afternoon she was almost completely herself.

I am blaming the whole ordeal on teething, because well...I don't know what else would explain it. She had just been at the docs and her ears/nose/throat and everything else was checked, and she is cutting new teeth, so there ya go. Teething it is. Who cares if Dr. Google says teething won't cause temperatures that high.

The weather has been rainy and demotivating all day. I had to coax myself into going to get my paycheck cashed. There is a special kind of lazy that doesn't feel like going to get money.

*sigh*

My lazy, somberness has followed me here to work where the best I can do is yawn and eek out this post.

Maybe being off this weekend will be enough to cheer me up =)

See ya Monday....

p.s. I hardly mentioned the tantrums I promised in the title of this post. I will say that Gemma wasn't the only one throwing them.

(Mostly) Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

My sweet waking baby....

really is becoming a teenager all too fast.

On a sidenote, my dad called her dollar store t-shirt PJ's redneck. I called it economical.

Hi!

2010-08-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say HI!

See ya tomorrow =)

(This picture is NOT Gemma, I found it here while Google-ing "cute")

Getting to Know ME! (It's Been a While!)

2010-08-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

1. Do you think mustaches are sexy?

Nope. They remind me of my daddy.

2. What's the last concert you've been to?

Oh geez. I honestly can't remember. It would definitely be when I was still in school and there is about a 99% chance it was rap music. I haven't been to a concert in a couple of years, how sad!

3 What was your favorite 80's sitcom?

Hands Down:

Close Second:

Ooops, I mean:

4. Were you named after anyone?

There is a family rumor that my first name was chosen because of the show Cagney and Lacey:

but I don't really believe it. My middle names are "borrowed" though, the first was my mom's best friend and the second is my grandmother's name.

5. When you buy new clothes, do you wash before wearing?

Nope.

6. If you didn't blog, what would you do with your spare time?

Oh gosh. There is life outside of blogging? How dare you suggest such things!!!

7. What is your favorite department store?

Hmm. I used this list to choose from. Well, growing up, we only had J.C. Penny, Sears, and Belk to choose from, and honestly I think I like them all the same.

8. If you were to get Laser Hair Removal..where would you get it?

My eyebrows and lip area. Oh, the sorrows of having dark hair...

Sunshine Award!

2010-08-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

I received and awesome Sunshine Award from Sarah at Fanged Faerie Princess.

The award is for bloggers who spread happiness and light, and although I have been slacking in the happiness and light categories lately, today is a good day...

I think the sunshine is back =)

(P.S. I need the sunshine so I am keeping it for myself, award rules be darned!)

Today, I am working. I am in an awesome mood for no good reason...

Life this week has been pretty much focused on the things I mentioned in my last post... Party planning, playroom planning, and fostering the last 3 of the litter of kittens I took in.

Party planning is going great. I have a cake ordered, plates, streamers, goodie buckets (that don't match the party, but whatevs). I still need to decide on a definite menu and figure out how to make it happen. I am definitely doing tacos, but I need to choose recipes to use, and make lists of things to buy. I also want a few extra sweet treats, so I need to figure that out. I need to rent the helium tank, buy baloons, and print out any of the paper decorations that I ordered from Etsy...oh and I have to buy shells and spray paint and work on my centerpieces...so yeah, there is work to be done, but I have faith I can do it in three weeks!

The playroom stuff is going well too. This is what I have ordered so far:

I really want this rug:

but the rug is 6'5" x 4'4" and the room is 10'x11', so I am worried it might be too small for a playroom. Whaddya think?

As far as the kittens go, I have finally gotten attached (they hid a lot the first few days that I had them,) and now they are going to their forever home today. (Crossing my fingers)

I haven't been able to get any cute pictures of them, because they basically look like little black fluffballs and my photog skills are probably on par with those of a drunk toddler, so umm yeah...just believe me when I say that they are cute. And sweet. And squishy.

Aww...kitty's =)

In other sunshine-y news, it is lunch time, and I am leaving this desk and enjoying the sunshine for a bit!

Happy 11 Months (and SEVEN days) Gemma!

2010-08-03T14:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am a little late in writing this this month....ya wanna know why?

My dear sweet babe has been replaced with a wild woman. I am convinced that I am now caring for a reckless teenager trapped in the body of an almost one year old. She is argumentative, stubborn, exceedingly emotional. She is into everything, and the more she knows it isn't a good idea, the more intriguing it seems.

Seriously, is this pre-toddlerhood already? Because if so, I think I am going to need a few days to stockpile supplies and come up with a game plan because it is about to get crazy... This little lady is taking over the world! Or my world. Either way, wowza!

Thank God for the cute, sweet moments that ~~almost~~ definitely make up for the hard times. Especially the baby hugs and kisses. I think I pretty much exist for her sweet hugs where she rests her head on my shoulder, or her kisses where it seems as if she is trying to bite my lips off.

Yep, that's what I live for.

Crap, I just deleted the best picture when I was trying to delete this one:

Oh, well.

This month for me has been marked by the assertion of your independence, your crazy mobility, and your 4 sweet teeth (and two more that have just popped through!) I feel like it has definitely been a small preview of what's to come when my bitty baby becomes a teeny toddler, and of course, I am excited and terrified all at the same time.

As far as the boring stuff:

You recently have decided that sleeping is for fools. You fight naps, and don't like to go to sleep at night really. Most of my attempts at moving you to the crib after you have fallen asleep are thwarted. Oh geez. After some serious consideration and soul searching I have decided ultimately that I will not try a "cry it out" or "Ferber Method" approach to getting you to sleep better, or any other method of sleep training method for that matter, so...I guess it is what it is...but work with me dear, okay?

You are so over any sort of baby contraptions, and you even hate the little gate that I bought to try and keep the beast (well, you) contained, so pretty much you crawl wherever, and pull up on anything within reach. You especially like the T.V. in my our room, where you can reach the buttons and turn the t.v. off and on. I am not so fond of that game. I do enjoy watching you cruise furniture and watching you figure out how to sit down can actually be funny sometimes.

I have no clue how much you weigh right now...my best guess would be around 18 pounds and you are still so tall! You wear size 3 diapers, and mostly size 12 months clothes. You pretty much live in dresses, rompers, and a few little shorts sets and that size seems to work in everything...

Your hair is decidedly dirty blond for now, and it is cute but I still not-so-secretly hope that you get my dark hair one day. I mean, you are obviously still gorgeous so it doesn't really matter but, um, please? Your eyes are a dark brown, and they still have a ring around them, however the ring around your eyes in now brown too.

There isn't really a need to mention food anymore as pretty much everything has been fair game, and you seem to enjoy most things equally. Your diet consists of a lot of Cheerio's, bananas, grilled chicken, pasta, rice, and other fruits and veggies, but you also get table food when we are home together for dinner but that is rare.

I'm sad to see so much of who you were slowly fade away, but seeing you become your own person is so exciting that it makes me feel so much better. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and sometimes you make me pull my hair out, but I am not exaggerating one bit when I say that the more I get to know you the more my love grows and grows.

I love you with my whole heart, and then some.

Forever and ever,

Mama

Me Me Me Monday-2

2010-08-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm already not looking forward to this post.

Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that just proves that this exercise is going to push me out of my comfort zone. Maybe.

Or maybe I just don't want to admit that I have done absolutely nothing on the self improvement front in the past week.

Things I have done in the past week include:

Witness a drug bust at my neighbor's house.
Rescue and rehome a litter of kittens.
Tour ~~Gemma's~~ birthday party hall, and make a list of things left to do/buy.
Watch everything on my DVR.
Began cleaning a spare room and shopping for what will become ~~Gemma's~~ playroom.

See. No self improvement there.

Things I didn't do this week:

Send a very important fax.
Go to the gym and/or eat right.
Seriously consider where I want to be professionally in the future.
Make up a game plan for life in general.
Or anything else that was productive to my future.

I think I am slowly sinking into a rut. Or maybe, I am just now looking up at the world and realizing that I'm already in a rut. It's okay though, I think it is only human to get to these places, I just really need to get myself out.

The problem is, I really feel like all I need to do is put one foot in front of the other in the direction that I want to go, but since I have no idea where I want to go, I just stand here...spinning in circles...digging my hole (err, rut) deeper.

Where is this lifeplan at? I've done some soul searching, and I've come up empty. I just want to love and be loved and be surrounded by beautiful things like everyone else in the world...how does that translate into reality? Into a future? Into my future?

What am I to do when I keep digging deeper and deeper and yet I still come up empty handed?

There is a crude expression that I grew up hearing...basically it's poo or get off the pot (I don't need to translate, do I?) The thing is, I don't want to get off of my proverbial pot. I don't want to stop here...just me and the baby, living at home, with a job that's okay I guess...

What can I do?

Where can I go?

I keep telling myself that there is time, but each time I say it now, it seems like more and more of a lie.

So I guess I will sit here, and hope it comes (ewww) before life forces me off the pot ...

Fill in the Blank Friday

2010-07-30T03:44:00.000-07:00

Look at me! I'm posting before 6 p.m.!

I'm joining Lauren @ the little things we do, for Fill in the Blank Friday. Join in!

1. The last thing I do before going to sleep is hmm...I usually watch t.v. before bed, so turn the t.v. off and roll over. If I remember, I say a quick prayer.

2. When I can't sleep I do what I am doing now! (I woke up at 5 and can't fall back to sleep.) I am snacking on junk food, catching up on old stuff in the DVR, and random inter-webbing.

3. The first thing I do when I wake up is pee, change a diaper, make a bottle, and grab a drink for myself. In that order. When I wake up from a nap, I always crave something sweet for some reason...

4. When I'm tired I either get in a "zone" or become a complete monster. Since Gemma was born I have adjusted to less sleep, so it takes a lot to get super sleep deprived .

5. My dream bedroom would be some sort of huge, fluffy, cocoon-y bed... that is the only part that matters to me!

6. If I could wake up anywhere tomorrow morning it would be surprise me! Any place beautiful, exciting, and unusual but not 100 + degrees or in North America, please. .

7. The longest sleep I've ever had was I don't remember specifically, but freshman year of college was definitely the year of the nap...and the hangover...so I pretty sure it was sometime then...

8. I sleep on my uhhmmm, it depends. However I feel comfortable that night. Versatility, baby! .

9. When I sleep, I like to wear comfy shorts and t-shirts .

10. My bedtime is usually 12-ish...give or take an hour or so .

Super Model

2010-07-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

Gemma made her modeling debut this week.

She traded her beauty for the outfits that she wore in the shoot.

I think she's a natural.

Maybe if medical school doesn't work out, she'll have a backup plan.

*These pictures were all taken by R. Gonzalez Photography*

Me Me Me Monday

2010-07-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

So, some of you may remember a while back...I had a "segment" that lasted all of 2 seconds where I set goals for myself and then checked back in the next week and made new goals.

I am hoping this will be a little like that...besides the whole failing miserably part.

Last time, I would set 3 or so goals, and go for them. This time, I am going to only make one general guideline that I will try to adhere to...

Me Me Me Monday is going to be about...ME.

Not ~~Gemma~~ She Who Will Not Be Named on Me Me Me Monday.

After my "episode" last week, I am taking the advice that I need to take more time to focus on myself. I can be better. Honest.

I think the first thing I want to focus on is my weight. Shallow, yes, but it is something that I have total control over. I can control what goes into my mouth, and I already have the gym membership, I just need to use it. I am hoping that by gaining control in this aspect of my life, I will begin to regain confidence in my ability to gain control elsewhere as well.

Right now, I weigh 144.8 pounds. I weighed 130-135 when I got pregnant and weighed 128 at my 6 week check up. I have gained 16 pounds after having a baby.

WTH?!?!

My goal is to reach 125 pounds in 12.5 weeks. All through high school and the first year or so of college I hovered around 118-120, so I am sure that this is a healthy weight for my body.

If I try, I can do this.

Chunky Kacie can't wait to meet Skinny Kacie 10/21/10.

It's on!

Update

2010-07-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

I wanted to drop in and thank you all for the amazing words of encouragement on my last post. I felt awful for admitting how awful I felt, and learning that some of what I was/am feeling is normal was/is really inspirational.

Our vacation-ish has been going a little better. We have gone on day trips to Ocean City, Maryland and Philly. Gemma didn't actually touch sand or the ocean but she did get a picture with the Liberty Bell. Today was spent mostly around the house, and was probably the best day for her yet. Tomorrow we are headed to a barbecue cook-off, but it is close by, and I am hoping for another good day since there won't be a long drive.

I am sleepy, but I just wanted to say thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks Y'all!

Holy Crap

2010-07-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Have you seen those weight loss commercials? The ones where some fit looking person talks about the day they saw a picture of themselves and couldn't believe their eyes?

Today was one of those days for me.

Literally and figuratively.

Gems has been having a hard time adjusting to our vacation-ish life. Long car rides, abnormal sleep schedules, and new surrounding are apparently not her thing. She's fussed and cried her way through significant chunks of time the past few days, and, as awful as this sounds, I have missed the couple of hour break each day that working part time affords me.

Again, this is going to sound awful, but I am looking at my life like how in the heck did I get here? Even scarier, there is a small part of me that is nagging how in the heck can I get out of this?

I'm not sure that I am ready for diapers, and schedules, and being held hostage for a baby to be able to eat/sleep/play in a way that is safe/sound/secure. Chasing around a child drives me wild, and goodness gracious can't I get a friggin' second to breathe?!?! Is that so much to ask for?!?!

Apparently as a single mom, it is too much to ask for.

I miss my life. I miss friends. I miss fun. I miss music. I miss boys. I miss clothes. I miss sleep. I miss jokes. I miss road trips. I miss parties. I miss school. I miss me. I miss my life.

I miss the life I should be living. Maybe, that is what I miss most of all.

Actually, I know that is what I miss most of all.

I should be living in an apartment with friends. Buying a car. Establishing a career. Going to happy hour.

This is not my life! Who am I? Whose life is this?

I took a picture today...me, my sister, and Gemma.

My hair was a mess. No makeup. Ill fitting clothes. Jeans at least 2 sizes bigger than before. My skin is a wreck. My confidence is non-existent.

I totally get the infomercials now.

That person is gross. I that person. I am gross.

And alone.

And frustrated.

And so over my new life.

And I am the only one to blame...

Vacation Days 1 and 2 and a Giveaway Winner!

2010-07-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the Eastern Shore of Maryland also known as "why in the heck would anyone go on vacation here?"

Okay, really it's not that bad. This year, our usual beach house was a no-go, so instead, we are staying at my dad's boss' weekend home for the week. It's a super nice house, and all but for now it still just feels like we are staying in someone else's super nice house instead of on vacation if that makes any sense. Maybe tomorrow's day trip to the beach will feel more vacation-y.

Here is a quick rundown of what has gone on so far on what from here on out will be referred to as the vaction-ish

The drive up...

It was only a 3 hour drive. For most of it, Gems slept. We got to the house around 9 a.m. or so, claimed rooms, took showers, went out for really bad Chinese food, and then went grocery shopping. Since we had gotten up at 5:30 a.m. this was exhausting...

Obviously, not a good long term sleep solution. I tried folding Gems pack and play up before we left Sunday morning and it WOULD NOT BUDGE. Luckily target came through and I found this for less than $13, once we got to Maryland.

I love Target. Not to be cliche or anything.

Then we went out to dinner at a time that is wayyy too late to take a 10 month old out for that. She made some faces like this:

But really, there was a whole lot of crying involved.

Lesson learned.

Today, we went outlet shopping. I got Gemma the PERFECT outfit for her birthday party AND I got myself a pair of $13 jeans from the Gap outlet. If that's not a win-win, I don't know what is!

Afterwards, we stopped by a visitor center and I took a picture of Gemma on a bench...

And then another as she dumped her toes in a fountain...

Lots of shopping and splashing and we worked up an appetite. Here are pictures of Gemma at the restaurant for lunch:

Oh geez, she is fussing now. I better go but before I do I want to announce Chantel as the winner of my giveaway with entry number 42. I will be emailing you tonight. Congrats!

On Vacation...Again

2010-07-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Remember last time I took a vacation?

This is going to be kind of like that, but the opposite.

Instead of being home but not blogging, I plan on being away but blogging...maybe even extra.

This vacay is sort of last minute, last ditch effort to do SOMETHING since our usual, yearly family vacation fell through. From what I can gather, one day will be spent at a near-ish beach (a 2 hour drive) and the rest will be spent...hanging out?

Can you tell I have no clue what is going on?

I am planning on spending my time uploading months worth of pictures and backing them up, hanging out with Gems, and attempting to try out my DSLR camera that I got forever ago and still haven't really taken off of automatic.

So it is a vacation...sort of.

So I'm excited...sort of.

Here's to a tan!

Empowering or Innapropriate

2010-07-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

This is a toddler shirt.

They also sell it in onesies, and maybe older kids sizes.

And of course, this is available too:

So whaddya think?

Showing pride in single parenting?

Or just airing dirty laundry?

Birthday Party Update...and Help Me Choose...and Vote for Levi!

2010-07-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

I am this close to having a PDF of Gemma's invitation. It was finished today, but unfortunately the date was wrong. Hopefully I will have the corrected version in the morning and then I will be able to them printed and in the mail soon. I will also try to take a picture of a printed invite to share with y'all here!

(f.y.i. I have written about 10 different sentences, and then deleted, just to get this far. Even within this parenthesis. What's up with that?)

I am going back and forth on my menu, so I thought that I would ask that you all help me choose. I am anticipating anywhere from 30-60 guests, so that could vary wildly, depending upon how many of my friends are tied up at the end of August.

Option A:

The Shell Shack Taco Bar... Pretty much a typical taco bar. I am thinking carne asada, grilled chicken, black beans, and then various tortillas/salsas/other toppings. I was also thinking about doing some sort of a Mexican inspired cupcake to carry on with the theme...dulce de leche, or something like that. Pros, I looove Mexican food, and it can easily be veggie friendly.

Option B:

Sandwich Sushi....Various sandwiches rolled into sushi rolls, and maybe have some cut into sea shell or mermaid, or number one shapes. Pasta salad with shell pasta. A couple other side dish/appetizer things. This idea could really go anywhere...I am having hard time narrowing down the menu going this route, but I do think it would be easy and light. Pros, most people like sandwiches, and we can have a variety of different things.

Option C:

All finger foods. Because the party is in between meal times, I am wondering if I could get away with just doing an appetizer table and a dessert table. My biggest concern would be that sometimes little bites are time consuming to make. Pros, finger foods are great for parties, and it might be most appropriate for the time of day.

Option D:

Something else entirely...any suggestions?

Oh, and after your done planning this menu for me could you do me another favor? Could you visit my blog friend Beth, and help her out? She is hosting a giveaway and also trying to get votes for a photo contest that her ADORABLE son Levi is in. If you want to enter her giveaway, it is here, and if you just want to place a vote for Levi, you can do that here.

Actually, I just got an idea! If you vote for Levi and/or enter Beth's giveaway, leave a comment on my giveaway for each that you do, for extra entries.

Well, my poor backspace is exhausted already tonight, so I guess this is all for now... Bye y'all!

Filing

2010-07-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that I work at a nursing home, right?

Well, this job is not a dream job by any means (another post for another day) however, I am thankful for it because it really came around when I needed it.

Anywho, the job itself is pretty simple. I act as a receptionist, put together the facility newsletter, and help out as needed. Lately, as needed has pretty much been a whole lotta filing. That whole lotta filling has got me thinking. A whole lotta.

You wouldn't think that filing would be a particulary thoughtful task, and you really wouldn't think that it was an emotional task, and truth be told, the task itself is not. Organize your papers (I do this first because it makes it MUCH easier,) hole punch the papers, find the right binder, find the right section of that binder, stick your papers in, repeat. Actually maybe it is the reptetition that gets me. I get bored and I tend to get distracted and other bits of these jumbo files (think 3" binders) start jumping out at me, and I get to thinking... (Good gracious, you can tell I have been back in the country for a while!)

It is an emotional thing to see the lives of these people contained within the pages of a 3" binder. A picture, a social history, a medical work up. This is 70-80-90 years (plus in some cases) summed up in a few hundred sheets of paper. As massive as they are, they still don't seem massive enough.

And because I am only human, and humans are narcissistic, I start thinking about these charts in regards to how they relate to my own life.

I find comfort in the fact that almost everyone was married at some point in their lives.
I wonder if Gemma will be the one to put me someplace like this one day.
I consider where my last home will be, will I have money saved, what will I look like...

What will my life have been?

And of course, some of what my life will have been is what it is now. Single mom. Receptionist. Living at home.

Ugh.

That is a scary thought. I don't want this to be what ends up in my binder. I just don't.

I want a husband. More children. A profession I am (was?) passionate about.

Dang, at least I want my own house.

I can't stay in this...this...I don't even know what this is, forever.

I need to take a next step. But what? Where? How? Which direction?

*sigh*

...the things I think about when I'm filing...

Confession # 4

2010-07-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've developed another (slight) addiction.

Giveaways.

Yes, giveaways. I managed to stay away from giveaway blogs until very recently, and then one day...I got bored.

And I entered.

And then...hey, look over here...there's another.

So, I entered that one too.

And then I was over it, because one can only ~~say~~ type, "I really love the owl shaped case with the orange beads," so many times before it gets old.

Well, to my surprise, I won. Something small but I won.

And then it was on.

Since then, I have won 4 other blog giveaways, in a matter of a month or so.

Woo Hoo. Free stuff. Free stuff that is doubly good, because I am usually on the clock when I am entering, although, I wouldn't really reccommed that strategy.

Anyway, since I am such a winner lately, I thought I would give you my top 3 tips for entering blog giveaways. Then, maybe you will win someting like the Popcorn, Indiana Popcorn that I won from Familylicious Reviews.

Tip #1: Only enter giveaways for stuff that you like and that you think you can be used by you or by someone you know. And no, selling it on Craigslist does not count as a using, and you do not know KimK456 on Ebay either. I think this rule is important for two reasons. The first, is that you don't want to waste your time entering for things you don't care about. Save your time, energy, and typing fingers for something that excites you. There are no shortage of giveaways out there, so focus on ones that really interest you. The second reason, I think it is just good karma. Why take something you don't even like when there is somebody out there who would love (or at least like) to win it? When random luck is involved, you need all the karma you can get!

Tip #2: Create a new Twitter account and use that for giveaway entry purposes. There are often many opportunities for extra entries through following or Twitter and sending out Tweets, but you may not want to flood your personal account (or those your personal friends) with all of the giveaway mumbo jumbo. I just started doing this recently, and it is adding up to lots of extra entries!

Tip #3: Consider the number of entries. This goes back to the idea of making the most out of your time. If there are 1,100 entries for a $5 product, it may not be worth your time to even bother entering but if there are 1,100 entries for something super awesome, it may be worth it to be enter even with less than awesome chances of winning. On a more positive note, low entry giveaways, which for me are giveaways with less than 100 or 200 entries depending on the item, give you much better odds of winning, which is great! Plus, when you enter these giveaways you are supporting some lesser known bloggers, so again, GOOD KARMA! One great blog I have found, with listings of low-entry giveaways, is Ten Talents, where Stephanie hosts daily Low Entry Lowdown!

Or, you could just enter my very own low-entry giveaway. Your chances are good there too.

Knock On Wood

Notice Anything New Around Here?

2010-07-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

I've got a brand new button!

Courtesy of http://www.bigmamacass.com/

Feel free to grab it and stuff!

Getting to Know ME!

2010-07-11T06:03:00.000-07:00

1. What is YOUR definition of sexy?

I think sexy is just a confidence, passion, and desirabilty all rolled into one.

2. Would you rather clean up puke or change a poopy diaper?

Poop wins, but only because it was contained. If my options were clean up puke or a blow-out diaper, I would so choose puke. (motherhood!)

3. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I am an extrovert, I think. I thrive off of other peoples energy, attention, and social interaction. However, I can still be shy sometimes, but that usually only lasts like 2 minutes and only in super awkward situations...

4. If you had to give up one of your 5 senses for a year..which one would you give up?

Umm, gosh. Smell? But can you have taste without smell? I go with smell but only if you can still have taste.
5. Cake or Pie?

Pie. I like some cake but there is a lot of bad cake in the world. There is a lot less (in my opinion) bad pie.
6. If you could play any character on TV (old or current) who would you play?

Michelle Tanner. We are practically the same age (the Olsen twins are 13 days older than I am) so the timing would have been right. They didn't have to act, just be a cute kid and that is easy enough. Plus it made them super rich.

I think this question is asking more about the personality or something of a character though, so, umm...uhhh...gosh, I guess I will just stick with Michelle Tanner.
7. My favorite website is.....?

This isn't a favorite website, but just one that came to mind. If you click on the link beware...there is lots of cursing!

8. The highlight of my day is....?

Nap Time!!! Just kidding. Lunch is good too =)

P.S. If you haven't done it yet, enter my giveaway!